Saturday, July 7, 2012

Who was/am she/I?

I never buy race photos.  Today I broke my NeverRule.  I took a look at the pics from last Wednesday's run and then out of morbid (obesity) curiosity clicked on the link to last year's photos.  I needed to see that.  I needed to see me at that weight.  I also looked up my time for the run.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I walked most of those 5 kilometers back on July 4, 2011.

This morning I ran 5 miles.  Ran. Them.  If I don't run them I'll say it.  I can't afford to lie to myself anymore.  A picture says a thousand words.  Two pictures say more.

   2011:  I love her but I kind of want to leave her behind.  She was a sad, sad woman.


2012:  I love her more.  I feel like I'm just getting to know her.  She rocks!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

What? Me, Tired?

Today I ran in a 5K race for the first time in a very long time.  I think the last one was a year ago.  I can't really remember.   

I didn't exactly stress over this run.  I'd been up all night - literally.  My downstairs neighbors blasted their stereo enough to rattle my floor and walls and bed and I'd talked with a couple of police officers, as had other neighbors.  This whole end of the complex has been up all night.  The whole thing came to a kind of climax when they apparently broke into the place.  It was quiet after that but by that time it was almost 5am.  I wavered.  Sleep or stay up and get ready for my planned race?  I fixed a piece of toast and an egg.  I read some email. I took a shower.  I drove to the park.

I started off at the very back of the pack because I didn't get into line for the restroom until 15 minutes before the race began.  I'd been hanging out, watching the crowd.  I took a couple pictures of the full moon.  I was a little daydreamy.  I realized it was almost race time and then I just wasn't as freaked out as I used to be. 

So I was walking toward the start line and I heard the gun.  Wow.  The race was starting without me.  So...I had a chip on my shoe.  It's not as if I'm racing against anyone but myself.  I quickened my pace a little and almost smacked into a group of walkers.  The walk didn't start until 8:15.  Why were the walkers in with the runners?  Why did I care?  I just laughed to myself and decided to deal with it.  I walked along with them until we got to the actual chip reader at the start line and then I skipped/hopped/danced my way quickly to as clear a path as I could find for the next few blocks. 

As a 5 a.m. runner, I didn't find the morning sun to be my friend.  The final mile was uphill but much of it - thankfully - was in the shade.  When I saw the grove of trees we were entering, out loud I said (gasped?), "Shade!"  A young man laughed out loud.  I said, "Hey, I run in the dark.  I won't EVEN pull the age card."  He laughed again and said, "You're looking good.  Keep going, old lady!"    Ha!  I'll tell you this:  At that very moment I was beginning to flag.  I got my second wind and I pushed on.  Not only did I finish, I finished ahead of him.

Believe it or not, my Runkeeper app says that I managed to run a 9:49 pace for the 5K.  The official times won't be posted for a couple days.  I think the overhead clock at the finish read 32 something when I crossed.  That seems about right.  If my chiptime is what I think it is, I'll be closer to 30:00, maybe even sub30.  That would be awesome.

So speed isn't my strong suit.  Apparently endurance might be if being able to get up and run on no sleep is any evidence of the same.  I don't ever want to try it again.  I'm about to hit the shower and then take a power nap.  I have plans for this holiday and I'm not going to let a little thing like fatigue stand in my way.


©Michelle Scofield, July 4, 2012 All Rights Reserved




Sunday, July 1, 2012

New Normal


I rolled over and realized I'd managed to sleep in. It was 6:30 AM on Sunday. My former self would have shuffled to the bathroom and shuffled back to bed with visions of a croissant and a hot cup of coffee in my head, wondering when the bakery across the street would be open and wondering if I could get away with a ballcap or if I should fix my hair. I wasn't likely to meet up with anyone I knew, right? And what if I did? Would they even notice me?

The new me stretched my toes and my calves. I rolled my ankles. I pulled my knees to my chest and took a few deep breaths, moving the morning air as deep into my chest as I could and then slowly exhaling it all the way out, letting my belly expand in the reverse.

I sat up, took about 5 minutes to get dressed and brush my teeth and I was out the door.

My run is done for the day. I've had a bowl of high fiber cereal and some skim milk. I'm drinking my coffee as I write this. I'll finish off my second ginormous glass of water in a couple of minutes.

I just wanted to take a few minutes to connect with anyone who might be thinking that their situation might be hopeless. I was so far deep into the pits of despair a few months ago I didn't know if I'd ever get out. For some reason, something buried within me told me to start moving again. I know that I'll be working to keep my embers burning. It's a daily fight but the battles are starting to feel less like a struggle and more like, well...living.

We all have a spark. I live in daily gratitude that mine didn't go out. If you're wondering whether or not you do, I believe that yes - ABSOLUTELY, yes!!! Only you know where or what it is.

©Michelle Scofield, July 1, 2012 All Rights Reserved





Monday, June 25, 2012

Running Again

I got it! I got IT! I GOT IT!!!

The confirmation email came through around 4am this morning. I have an entry in the Houston Marathon in January. I ran the half in 2010 (trained on my own with no input from anyone - I didn't ask.) I ran through pain in my foot. But I kept running. I was excited to finish and I called my family who all live out of town to let them know I had done it. My dad died that night or the next, we're not sure. I had a stress fracture in my right foot and I kept on running - through the pain of that next week. I put on a suit and flew to Sacramento, handling arrangements in a professional, businesslike manner. I ran on the treadmill at the hotel. I put on a dress and heels and looked pretty for his friends at his memorial celebration. I came home and I ran. Then I couldn't run anymore because I ended up in an immobilization boot and was stopped in my tracks. I started gaining weight and I packed it on with a vengence.
Recently I took a good long look in the mirror, laced up my shoes and started walking. My foot has healed. My heart is healing. I started eating healthier. My pace has quickened and my body is starting to show the results of my efforts.

There were times when my foot was hurting so much that I swore I'd never tackle a long distance race again. I don't think I really knew what pain was. Now I know.

I'm going to seek help to train for this race. If there's anything I learned over the last two years, it's to seek help.

I'm so excited - again - finally! And that is a wonderful feeling.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

I'm Sorry

For the longest time, I didn’t know what to say once the Litany of Fear began. I searched for the right response, aware that I should be paying attention to the concern that was pouring forth in front of me. The speaker always voiced concern for my safety. The speech took off from there and I was assailed with all the reasons I shouldn’t do whatever it was I was doing. I might hurt myself. Someone might hurt me. There were financial risks. I didn’t know enough about the situation. I hadn’t really thought things through. The weather might change. Things don’t always turn out as we expect and I could be disappointed. What if I failed? What then?


I sometimes nodded. I’d throw in a few humming sounds occasionally.

I’ve learned not to try to converse during the Litany. The Litany of Fear is not a conversation. It’s a stump speech to try to convince someone not to act. I’m not even sure if it’s directed at me. My hunch tells me it’s directed back at the speaker more often than not.

How do I know this? I’ve been hearing slightly different versions of the Litany of Fear regarding everything from: jobs, travel, running, dating, living situations, automobiles, and assorted other situations for the past ten years. I’m not always the receiver of the Litany. I’ve also witnessed it being preached to others as well.

Here’s what I’ve started saying at the close of the Litany. I think it’s about the best response I can use. It seems to satisfy both of us.

“I’m sorry.”

I really AM sorry. I’m sorry that there is so much fear behind the delivery of the Litany.

Growing up I learned from my many mothers that when I felt sympathy and I couldn’t think of anything else to say, saying “I’m sorry” was enough. My Mother taught me when I was a little girl. I joined a sorority and my housemother gave me lessons in polite society behavior. My Grandmother showed me by example when my mom died.

So now, when I’m faced with someone who (in my perception) is using the opportunity of my situation to express their own fears – but not in a direct manner, I simply say, “I’m sorry.” And then I get on with whatever it was I wanted to do.  If the Preacher of the Litany of Fear perceives that my apology means they've swayed me in some way...so be it.  Amen and Amen.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I’m going to ignore sound advice. If someone suggests that I might be killed, yeah, that will get my attention. I’m just not wearing the heaviness of others’ fears. The weight of my own hang-ups has been plenty enough to carry as I make these decisions.


©Michelle Scofield, June 21, 2012 All Rights Reserved

Thursday, April 26, 2012

My Unexpected Move to Make Nice With the Mirror

I was a Houston holdout. I'd resisted for more than a few reasons: Not old enough, not vain enough, not desperate enough. Throw in my frugality and concerns for safety, and there was no way I could imagine having a procedure done for vanity's sake - for cosmesis. The mirrorwoman I greet each morning was beginning to argue with me. She was scowling, making sure I noticed the deep groove between my eyebrows. She was staring at me as I applied creams and potions. Her eye contact was intense. She was intense. She knew everything I knew but didn't want to admit: I'm not all that fond of my aging appearance. For all my talk of self-acceptance, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I am a woman of a certain age. That being...Middle. I'm starting to look it. I have a new friend. She's a bright, happy, enthusiastic woman who is also in her 50's. She manages a Dermatology Clinic. She happened to send me a text last week and asked if I'd like to participate in a demonstration of Dysport® for an Open House tonight. Dysport® is an injectable, similar to Botox®, used to treat moderate to severe frown lines. It took me all of 2 minutes to agree to her invitation. So I've dipped my toe in the waters of cosmetic procedures. I reclined on a table and allowed a Physician to inject a foreign substance into my forehead. It was virtually painless and I'm looking forward to seeing the results in a few days. I'm "this much" surprised at myself because if you'd have asked me a year ago, I would have told you there was no way I would do it. (Honestly, I think I wanted to do something, I just didn't want to admit it.) I'm pretty happy that I had it done for free. I'm still can't imagine having surgery. I've assisted at so many surgeries that I can't envision allowing someone to cut me. I'm also fortunate enough to live in a place that has so many weird facial surgery results that if I want motivation NOT to have surgery, all I have to do is take a look around. What I'm looking forward to is waking up and not having that woman in the mirror scowl quite so hard at me. It's not like we were really angry at each other. Well, maybe she was angry...for making her wait so long. ©Michelle Scofield, April 26, 2012 All Rights Reserved

Thursday, April 12, 2012

There's Nothing Wrong With Stumbling Into Goodness

I considered keeping a journal. Instead, I kept my receipts and picked up business cards along the way. I'm going to try to retrace my steps of my recent vacation to New York City. This is more for me than it is for you. I want to be able to pull this up someday and remember...although I don't think I'll forget. I hope I don't forget.

Have you ever taken one of those trips where everything goes so perfectly fine that you wonder if it can possibly continue? For me, this was that trip. I had no trouble parking at the airport. My flight was on time. Even when I arrived at LaGuardia and discovered that I'd be waiting an extra couple hours for my friend, Jacque, I wasn't concerned. There were plenty of seats to be had. Sure, my cellphone battery was nearly drained, but I could turn the silly thing off and read a book. I was on vacation. As I'd learned the previous week in Jamaica, "No problem." (Psssttt!!! Here's where I insert the part about how wonderful everyone I came across was in NYC. Next time someone tells you it's a rude/dirty/mean city, just remember what I said. Most friendly, outgoing, "no problem" people I've ever met.)

As the time for Jacque's arrival neared, I fired up my phone and received her text message. Her plane had landed. I moved to the Delta baggage claim area to wait, and leaned against a wall - on my way dodging the dozen or so town car drivers who were offering me their services. I watched travelers coming and going and noticed a sharply dressed man stepping onto the Up escalator toward Departures. He must have felt my gaze because he turned and looked at me as he rode all the way to the top. I smiled. What else would I do? Mr. Man smiled back and proceeded to immediately step onto the Down escalator and approach me. We were still exchanging, um, information when Jacque walked up.

Well, it was time to catch a cab and see the city. I bade goodbye to the escalator man and our New York adventure began. After collecting Jacque's bag, we got on line for a taxi. The ride in was fun and exciting. It didn't take us long to pull out our cameras and start acting like the tourists we were. We arrived at our hotel in Times Square, checked in, brushed our teeth, waited for our bags to make it to the room and we were out and exploring within an hour. Big Night! Times Square was overwhelming and exciting, exactly like I'd seen on television and the movies only more. The weather was perfect and it seemed like everyone was in a good mood. I was eating it up!

Night one: We stumbled our away around. We started walking and fell into places we thought we'd like to see and yes, we liked them. We found the pizza place next to the studio used for Late Show With David Letterman. We ordered a thin crust pie with pepperoni at Angelo's and it was delicious. We found Rockefeller Center, Radio City Music Hall, and we also stumbled into a crowd of people who were obviously waiting for something...what? We didn't know but it seemed like it must be important. There was a police barricade and reporters, photographers, news people. We fell into the crowd and pulled out our cameras. Turns out it was premier night for Evita, starring Ricky Martin. Word was that Mr. Martin, himself, was about to arrive. Gosh! We decided to wait. We never saw him but we saw Barbara Walters, Kathy Griffin, and David Hyde Pierce. Close, right? When it became clear that the celebrity parade was done passing before us, we decided to move on. Can I tell you where these tired and hungry women grabbed a late-night snack in NYC the first night? Yeah, we ate at McDonalds. (This is me, hanging my head in shame.) We walked around a little more and capped the night off by visiting Toys R Us and taking our picture in the photo booth in the upstairs arcade.

Day Two: We slept later than we wanted to but we got up and got going. Yay for thinking ahead and having granola bars with me. And double yah (YAY!YAY!) for the coffee maker at the Hilton Times Square. (We gave that little thing a workout, even stashing the packets of coffee in the drawers so that housekeeping would think we were out of coffee and leave us extra. We grew to LOVE those afternoon pick-me-ups.) The subway is easier to figure out than one might think. We did it, after going waaaaaaay north once, changing trains and then finally getting to Central Park. (That whole, "Just act like you know where you're going", doesn't actually get you where you're going.) Central Park? I only want to move there. Seriously, I really want to run there. Next trip - and you better believe there will be another trip to NYC soon - I'm taking my running shoes. My son suggested I see the Guggenheim Museum. Wonderful suggestion. Let me tell you about the Guggenheim: The design of the rotunda is absolutely beautiful and absolutely deceiving. You will think you're near the top and there will be two or three more levels to explore. Do it. You won't be sorry. I was thrilled to see several paintings by Camille Pissarro, who is my favorite impressionist. After working our way through the museum we had a hot dog. At a cart. It was just OK.

Night Two: Dinner prior to the theatre at our hotel because we were dead, dog tired. We thought we'd just have drinks and appetizers. We sat at a table and ordered a little more than that. It was a decent meal. I thought they did a great job on the scallops and the bartender made a delicious Sidecar. Being novice New York theatre-goers, we thought our waiter was slow and I think he was slightly amused at our wanting to get out of there a little quicker than he was moving. One very nice thing he did for us was package up the leftovers and order a mini-fridge for our room. We moved on to the Shubert Theatre for "Memphis". Now, know that this was my first Broadway show. On. Broadway. I'm proud of myself for not gushing over the fact that I was there. Well, maybe I did just a teensy bit. We settled into our seats, I bought a five dollar bottle of water (dang!) and the house lights went down. Heaven! We had excellent seats, orchestra level, on the aisle. The cast, music, performance, EVERYTHING was super. I felt like crying when it was over.

Day Three: Room Service breakfast in the room - the most expensive basket of stale rolls we'd ever seen or eaten. We got a good laugh out of it and enjoyed the coffee and juice. I had a good part of the day to myself so I walked through the Fashion District to Macy's and their flower show and then decided to see the Museum of Modern Art. I took my time getting there, enjoying the sights along the way and upon arrival enjoyed a light lunch and sweet tea in the Museum Terrace Cafe. While I ate (and eavesdropped on the ladies at the next table), I took time to plan my viewing of the museum. I had specific targets to see: Jaspar Johns, Paul Cezanne and Pablo Picasso. The Johns Flag was worth the entire visit for me. So many have attempted to copy what he did. I haven't seen anyone accomplish it. One can only be first at a first, right? Jacque and I met up again late afternoon and made a mad dash for H&M. We hoofed it back to our hotel (but being wiser by 48 New York hours stopped at a deli for the next day's breakfast yogurt) and got cleaned up and headed out the door to our dinner reservation at Joe Allen.

Night Three: Dinner at Joe Allen, on 46th Street, otherwise known as Restaurant Row. This is a quiet, dark steakhouse that serves a good steak, a great roasted chicken, and a damned good martini. I have no idea if it's a tourist trap or a hangout for theatre people. I've read that it's both. All I know is that we had a very good meal and it felt great to sit down and take time to enjoy the evening. We saw zero recognizable celebrities but the table next to us carried on a constant patter of conversation about production value and the like and we tuned them out almost immediately. We passed on the dessert menu, deciding to find a place in Times Square. We stopped at Roxy Deli and ordered a massive slice of strawberry cheesecake to go. By the time we arrived back at the hotel we were wiped out and we put the thing in the mini-fridge where it stayed for most of the next day.

Day Four: Easter Sunday. We enjoyed our breakfast of yogurt and muffins, congratulating ourselves on our frugality, then it was time to make our way to 5th Avenue for the Easter Parade. It was what I'd hoped for, completely chaotic and gorgeous, with smiling and friendly people. We took a few pictures and then hailed a cab for the ride to Battery Park. We had a lot to do this day and it was too far to walk. We'd already discussed the sad, sore state of our aching feet. We were springing for cab fare. After checking out the long line for the Ellis Island tour, we decided the Staten Island Ferry was the way to go - it was the original plan for seeing the Statue of Liberty. We made our way to the Ferry Terminal (which was spotlessly clean) and waited to board. I was so impressed with the organization and precision of the Ferry operation. We had a great ride over and back and got some wonderful pictures. From there we walked to the 911 Memorial site. I'd reserved spots for the tour and we were hours early. What would we do while we waited? We were allowed to enter. The Memorial Pools are perfect, from my perspective. I was deeply moved and again, saddened. There are not enough words. We walked away from the area mostly quiet and allowed each other to process what we'd seen.

Jacque and I decided to keep walking, rather than take a cab right away. We pulled out our map and regrouped, realizing we were close to the Woolworth Building and City Hall so off we went. Then came the Brooklyn Bridge and then...Chinatown. We stopped for a meal at Pho Viet Huong. I had Pho Ga, what else? Jacque had Ginger Chicken. It was a little hole-in-the-wall place. The price was right, the food was fair. We shopped a little. I found a great hippy bag that's already getting me compliments in Houston. I had to have it for it's "Peace & Love" on the side. We kept walking and made our way down Canal Street and eventually into Little Italy. We heard some salsa music coming from a place (what?). We ducked in and found ourselves in a CubanItalian bar/restaurant. A little wine, a lot of mambo. Why not?

Night Four: Back to our hotel. Freshen up a little. Back to see what's going on outside. Another slice of pizza? Sure. This time stuffed.

Day Five: My wonderful traveling companion had a morning flight. I had to bid her farewell. I had the day to explore. I decided to see and photograph Grand Central Station and the Chrysler Building. It was a short walk for me and the weather was STILL beautiful. I grabbed a salad at Juniors in the Food Court at Grand Central and then walked all the way up 5th Avenue to Tiffany's. I looked at some beautiful diamond earrings and although the helpful salesman advised me that "treating myself" was the best thing I could do that day, I decided to save my $2800 for another vacation. I walked back to my hotel, detouring through the diamond district. I guess I wanted to make sure they didn't have those earrings for less. They didn't. The helpful bellman at the Hilton retrieved my bag for me and called my cab. I was off to LaGuardia where my plane departed as scheduled for Houston and arrived right on time. There were no luggage problems. My car was in the lot where I'd left it.

When I arrived home, there were no surprises, no catastrophes. My coworkers even missed me. The only thing "wrong" is this desire to be "there" again. New York, I kind of love you.