Waiting

This week I was given two assignments: I was to start reading "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd and I was to journal about an event that caused me a lot of pain. I've done both and I'm tired.

This is part of a step I'm taking to understand a phase I'm in - a rut I'm in. I feel as if I'm not moving, as if I'm suspended at a place that is not especially unpleasant. I'm not sad or depressed. My career is good. I can say it's great. I don't have financial problems. My children are grown and we get along famously.

However.

But.

There must be more.

There must be more.

How long have I been here? I'm not even sure, I only know I am. I decided that I'm not unhappy, but neither am I excited or passionate about this place.

There must be more. The problem is that I have no idea how to get to another place, which way to turn, or even what I'm looking for. I am at a loss. I may even be lost and feeling neutral about it isn't acceptable to me.

Back to the assignment: The book touches on religious aspects of waiting, of soul-building. It does so in a way that doesn't feel too heavy and so far I've been able to read and accept the concepts in a general way. It's not preachy and I don't feel defensive. I'm only about a dozen pages into it. The journaling took me through several emotions. I moved from feelings of invasion to urgency to embarrassment to anger to emptiness to sadness to fondness to anger again and finally wound my back around to "EMPTY".

Where this will end up, I'm not sure. I certainly must wait because there is no rushing tomorrow. It comes when it comes and I will live through today as I lived through my yesterdays. No, I won't rush tomorrow but I bet I will welcome it.