I'm Still Here

I wonder at what rate this cursor ticks. Is it once per second? I watch the beat as it metronomes me, telling me that the majority of my page is white.

Blank. Blink. Blank.

I had the words earlier today. Before now. Now is later than then.
Here is what I want to say. You decide if it applies to you. We have all the time in the world.

Blink.

The last two years were not easy ones for me. Some of you are more aware of this than others. The last year was less easy for some of you than others. “Less easy” is a soft way of saying it was hard. Hard may be too soft. For some of us, last year was brutal.

Blinking again.

I’m still here.

There were times that I wasn’t sure if I would be. It wasn’t that I looked all the way to December 31, 2011 and thought, “I wonder what I’ll be doing on that day.” I didn’t think about the future a whole lot at the beginning of this year. I was so deep in a rut that I didn’t even know there was a road, let alone a road leading to any where or when. I was stuck, I knew I was stuck and I was overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I DID know that I wanted to somehow get moving again.

I climbed, I reached, I was pulled, and I got a leg up. I followed the voices and laughter, the murmurs of encouragement pressed into me along with hugs at arrivals and partings of friends I’d long ignored. I moved out of the rut in a hundred different ways, but I’m out.

I think what happened was…I blinked. I stopped staring at my surroundings which had grown familiar and blurry and I looked at them in a different way. I decided to move into light, to seek help when I desperately needed it. I’m still moving toward that which feels as if it’s good for me and away from that which doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot of anything for me. If it dulls my senses or makes me sad, it’s not for me.

Blink. Blank.

There is still space on this page, still something I want to say.

For those who face challenges this year, next year, the next, and on…

Know that I’m here. I value our relationships and I appreciate the help you’ve given me along the way. Know that I will feel valued if you choose to ask me for help. If I can point you toward an expert, I will. If all you need is to unload, go for it. I’m first-rate at setting boundaries, so I’ll protect myself and won’t let anything get out of hand. It all goes back to how I got out of my rut.

The thing is, we are all so very strong and I would never deny our incredible capabilities as individuals. We are also deserving of encouragement and the occasional assist.


Happy New Year with Much Love and Affection,


Michelle