Five Dollar Sentences From 2008

I’m not a plagiarist, not on purpose. I do, however, have a great ear for a great phrase. I’ve developed a habit of paying five dollars to anyone who says something so spectacular that his or her words drive me to look for a pen so I can make note of the proffered specialness. I tell the payee that I am tendering an offer for payment of their words, which I may very well use in the future, possibly paraphrased, but that the words they used are “just that good”. I usually have witnesses to this transaction. About half of the time the cash is refused. These occasions have happened in bars, in private homes, in the operating suite and on public transportation, among others. My friends have even taken to recognizing great words and, once in awhile (when I miss a beat) have asked me, “Aren’t you going to give him five dollars for that?”

I’m going to share a few with you from this year. Some of you will recognize your own words, or you’ll recognize the stories from which these were pulled. Remember, time warps all tales.

#5. “How’s that gray working for you?” My nurse asked me this while we had a moment of downtime in clinic. She was looking at my hair. I made an appointment with my hair stylist the next day.

#4. “Oooh! Your spleen is obviously quite sick, and I think your uterus needs work, too.”

#3 “I know it’s not BYOB, but I’d rather bring my own.” I didn’t want to pay for the words, but rather for the facial gesture of eyebrows raised. That was priceless.

#2. “Everybody dance, now!” I can’t pay myself. I would if I could. This is a great sentence. It can be used as a command, a request, or a plea. It’s a wonderful icebreaker and also cuts tension in a situation like you wouldn’t believe. Try it the next time your officemates are all bitching about something and see what happens. I bet something happens.

#1. “These pants are so constricting.” These five words have provided much entertainment, complete with action sequences and the legend only grows with the retelling. I can only dream of a screenplay one day. I can only dream.