Racing Heart

I've worked in several medical disciplines including Psychiatry, Palliative Care, Pain Medicine and Surgery. My surgical work has included my current field - cancer of the head and neck - and cardio/thoracic. It's nothing for me to go into an operating room and set up a case and assist then close the neck. I do it all the time. When I was a newbie PA, seeing a chest split down the middle used to pretty much freak me out and I couldn't wait to get out of the OR. The human heart is so far in appearance from the paper valentines I cut out around our kitchen table as a kid. It's especially intimidating when the chambers are cut open, or even worse, when they've expanded on their own and have shredded for some reason. I've seen some horrific cases of heart attack under various stage of repair.

I've been aware of my own heart rate, or at least my perceived heart rate the last few weeks. I had the perception of tachycardia, but it wasn't present. I was simply anxious. I know the causes of my anxiety and I'm taking steps to correct them. I mentioned this in clinic the other day, to a friend. He reached over to take my pulse and said I have the pulse of an athlete. It was probably 70 beats per minute. He was probably right. My pulse is fine. My brain is the problem.

I got on the internet early today and opened a video link posted by my brother. It showed a winding road and green hillside. The description told me to watch carefully for a possible ghost sighting as the car moved through the mountains. Huh? This was unlike my brother, engineer that he is. I clicked the link. Beautiful Celtic music began to play and I watched the car move through the hills. A zombie/monster/skeleton/thingie popped out and shrieked at me. I screamed. I'm sure I woke the neighbors. Then I laughed. And laughed some more.

All I could think of was when we were kids and my brother would delight in popping out of corners and doorways and scaring the living crap out of me. He wasn't even here to see my reaction, but I can imagine him chuckling over it.

I lift up my gratitude today for my brother and his sense of humor. I appreciate that he doesn't stop. I lift up my gratitude for this beating heart. Even when it doesn't seem to know exactly what it beats for, it continues and it is filled with love.