Holding Memories

Packing, clearing, reaching for top shelves. What's that? My medical bag.

I've been very good about not stopping to reminisce but this discovery forced me to take a few minutes to recall how excited I was (almost 16 years ago) to receive the black leather bag that held all things which made me somehow official. Officially a student, that is.

The bag is now disintegrating and I need to throw it away. I guess if you don't use it you really do lose it. The handles are sticky and one side is covered with some kind of goo that I don't want to attempt to identify. I've watched enough episodes of "Hoarders" to believe that the memories are in my brain, not in that bag. The bag is out. First, I wanted to make sure I kept any contents that might have value.

A disposable scalpel. Tossed. I don't anticipate doing any quick surgeries outside of an operating room. Assorted tapes and bandages - just as sticky as the handles. Gone. Diaphragms to long lost stethoscopes. Pitched. They don't fit the one I have now. Drug company pens. So thrown out.

My otoscope. I remember when I first got it and I wanted to look in everyone's ears. I practiced insufflation and probably caused some terrible pain. For this I apologize to any of my patients/victims who might be reading today.

A tuning fork. I think my kids played with it more than I ever used it.

I smile a little remembering how intimidated I was by those two pieces of equipment. Never in my wildest PA Student dreams would I have imagined that an auriculectomy would become an "easy" surgery to assist. I'm not even sure if I had wild PA Student dreams. I was too afraid to dream wildly. Sometimes I was too tired to dream.

Looking at the bag I get a giggle out of the umbilical clamp I used for an identification tag. It's a mark of my ego. It wasn't enough to have a bag. I had to go one step further. I had to show that I was in proximity to birthing babies. The first day I actually helped deliver one, I believe I was as white as that clamp. I'm not sure where my ego went, but anything to do with obstetrics scared the crap out of me from that point onward.

I received an email from a new graduate today. She asked me for some advice and I answered her immediately. It wasn't clinical advice she sought but practical people stuff. In my last paragraph I thanked her for asking me and as I hit "Send" I was grateful that someone considered me wise enough to seek my council. I think it's fitting that today is the day to discard this symbol of my infant PA self. Back then I thought it meant I had arrived. Little did I know.




©Michelle Scofield, June 27, 2011 All Rights Reserved