Let's Talk About Age

My 59th birthday is approaching with force and velocity over which I have no control.  For some reason this seems like a bigger deal than 60.  Maybe I'll change my mind next year but at some point (in my 40s, maybe?) marking decades began to take on more importance to me than marking years. After next Friday, I'll start rounding out my 5th decade. Although I don't have an expiration date stamped on me,  I am aware of an underlying sense of urgency about my life and my accomplishments.

Birthdays are funny.  We go to bed one age and wake up the next day another. We haven't actually aged a year overnight but we sometimes act as if that's exactly what happened.

I'm not 58 years old. I'm 58 years and 360 days old.  Not quite ready to call it quits.

I had a text interaction with a friend earlier this week that initially caused me to bristle. Long story short, she told me I'm an inspiration and she hopes to be "as dedicated to fitness in my later years as you are at your age." It's not the first time this person has mentioned my age to me and I was, honestly, a little stung.  Here was a young, beautiful, strong woman telling me I was...let's just say it...old. It hurt a bit. But, why? Why should I be hurt by someone stating her truth?

Giving it a lot of thought I've come back around to the 1st line of my 2nd paragraph (above). Age is approaching with force and velocity over which I have no control. Anyone who knows me will tell you that loss of control is crazy-making for me. Take a look at my linen closet and you'll realize that I'm a woman who likes order. My spice cabinet is an even better example.  Allspice is left of basil which is left of cardamom, etc, etc.

Aging is an unknown. I have no idea what might come first or what might not come at all. There are  shit-tons of variables lurking in the upcoming decades: illness, financial challenges, climate change, political upheaval, loss of friends/family.  When will my hair finally tip over to full-on gray? How deep will these wrinkles get? (Why, oh why, do I always come back around to the physical?)

So the question is: How do I control something that is uncontrollable? Time -by definition - ticks on.

I prepare for it. That's how.

I nourish my body and my relationships. I get stronger. I stock up on what I'll need to make it through those challenges. I build muscle. I build friendships. I build my reserves.

"Old" is not objective. It is a subjective construct. When I was 25, I thought 60 was old.  Recently I've shifted more to thinking 80 might be old. A few weeks ago I attended an 80th birthday party for a friend who does yoga daily and works at a fairly demanding job. Each time I see her, she's impeccably dressed. She's not old by any measure. So, 80? Not so sure anymore. Perhaps 90.

Getting back to that text conversation. I bounced my immediate emotional reaction off my brother (a wise man of 57) and he advised me to cut her some slack. It's a matter of perspective. I don't know why my friend thinks I'm in my "later" years or even what she means by "later".  Her life experience is as much a mystery to me as mine is to hers. My mom died at 45. I don't have a close frame of reference for "later". Such a smart guy. We (my brother and I) joked about just how very kick-ass we will be when we're 80 and beyond. I look forward to that.

I'm also looking forward to relishing each day as it comes. With maturity I've honed in on what brings me happiness and what detracts from that state. I'm grateful that some of the very activities that help me live longer also make me happy. My goals for the next year:

Lift heavier
Live lighter
Get stronger
Try harder
Listen better

Quantifiably, I have specific lifts with target weights I'd love to hit before I'm 60. I think a personal record (PR) of 300# in deadlift is reachable for me and I have plenty of room to improve my back squat, bench press, and strict press.

Every day is a PR, when you think about it. We wake up and we've lived 1 day longer than we'd lived yesterday. When I look at it this way, "later years" sounds pretty good. I hope my friend who unwittingly pushed me to putting these words out there for all to read knows how much I appreciate her. This is about my truth and I'm grateful she helped me get around to it.

Anniversary

On August 1, 2016, I stepped into a new world. I was terrified of many things: the equipment, my lack of strength and coordination, the strangers who might judge me. I had an abject fear and loathing of team sports participation. I signed up for an introduction to CrossFit at my son's urging (encouragement? prodding?).  A lot has changed for me in 2 years.

This afternoon I was thumbing through my CF journal where I keep a record of the workouts and my weights/times.

2 years ago my deadlift weight was 25#.  I could bench press 45#.  Light weight kettle bell squats were too much for me, I modified to air squats. Weighted overhead squats were virtually impossible due to instability and immobility.

The first few months of journal entries are sprinkled with happy faces, occasional sad faces, notes regarding painful joints, "next time"s, "atta girl"s, and lots and lots of exclamation points.  I was still learning the language and had no grasp on acronyms so I wrote out EVERYTHING.

After a while, I started marking the margins with asterisks.  *Did a box jump! *Hero WOD. *Benchmark.  *PR!!!

When my knee pain became more than I could/should handle, I saw a doctor and had to modify many of the workouts. The coaches were great about helping me switch things up to avoid further injury and to strengthen surrounding muscles.  They worked with me on technique and mobility. I didn't squat for a very long time. In reviewing my journal, I see that I started setting more and more PRs when I started taking care of myself.

My participation in the 2018 CrossFit Open was actually FUN!  For 5 weeks, I looked forward to Thursday nights (when the next workout was announced) and I enjoyed pushing myself to be as fast and strong as I could be. Spending time recovering from joint damage (at least acutely) gave me the confidence to complete a couple of the Open workouts as prescribed (as opposed to scaled). I placed better this year than last and I'm looking forward to 2019.

I'm lifting much more weight now. I'm mostly past my social anxiety, and I enjoy partnering up for some workouts.  I try to welcome newcomers to the gym as soon as I see them.  I'm much more accepting of my body and look at joint limitations as a challenge rather than a hindrance.  I'm still not a big fan of the schoolyard-type games that we sometimes play during warmup.  (Everything is dodgeball to me. Everything.)  I play along, though, knowing that it will only last a few minutes and then we're on to the fun stuff.  I've made real friends at the gym. My social circle is brighter for it.

Likely related to my strengths and weaknesses, I've developed a fondness for strongman exercise and some weightlifting.  Sure! I can carry that heavy thing from point A to point B. Let's go! I get a silly little thrill when I realize dead ball cleans are on the schedule. You want me to lift something over my head? Yes!

I have a new understanding of discomfort related to time. I can do almost anything for just 1 more minute - no matter how fatigued I think I am. Working out in a facility without air conditioning has made me appreciate sweat. It means I'm working hard and (I tell myself) it's also great for my skin.  I've become more tolerant of being uncomfortable and I think I've gained some perspective about actual pain. Perhaps...I've become a little tougher?

Back to that team sport thing.  Encouraging, high-fiving, cheering, competing (with and against)...all of these things are activities I've kind of missed out on my entire life. I'm surprisingly thankful for them now. Go, team!

My CrossFit journal is almost full. Time to buy a new one. I can't wait to fill it up.

Week 5 Update - Numbers Driven

For those following along, I've completed 5 weeks of a vegan diet.

Workouts:  5 CrossFit classes.
Percent vegan diet: 100%
Weight: Minus 14 lbs since May 7.
Mood: Good.



For now, it's all about the numbers.  This picture speaks loudly to me.  That's my A1C and estimated average glucose sliding down into the normal range. I'm no longer diagnosed as "pre-diabetic".  Can I get an Amen and a Hallelujah?  Believe me, I shouted them when I read the results.

More numbers:  Two. That's how many pairs of shorts I had to buy because my old ones were falling off.  Eight. The stairs I nimbly stepped down with no difficulty whatsoever after sitting through a full-length movie. And finally...One. One little baby girl that will be coming into the world with a healthier and happier grandma. I'm thrilled to be working toward being the strongest and most active grandmother I can possibly be. Can't wait to meet her and to start building our own adventures.

I don't want to overdue the updates so this is the last weekly one.  I'll let y'all know in a month or two how I'm doing.  In the meantime, thanks for all your support and I encourage you to take whatever steps you need in order to be the healthiest YOU possible. 

Week 4 Recap

For those following along, I've completed 4 weeks of a vegan diet.

Workouts:  5 CrossFit classes.
Percent vegan diet: 100%
Weight: Minus 12 lbs since May 7.
Mood: Good.

This was a good week. This is becoming more routine and less of an effort.

I've had a few discussions with friends and acquaintances about the "why" of my dietary changes. I'm struggling a little with the word "vegan" because I'm not living a vegan lifestyle in other ways. I still carry a leather bag. I haven't researched my cosmetics. I'm using "plant-based" more and more to describe my eating choices.  It feels more honest, overall. Perhaps it's just semantics and perhaps I have more time on my hands to think about semantics. Basically, I'm experimenting with this diet to see if my health improves. It's all about me.  I left the vegan descriptor in my introduction above because I have adhered 100%...it might be nice to use a little honey now and then, though.

Time.  My free time has changed in a couple of major ways.  I spend more time prepping and cooking meals now.  Those brussels sprouts aren't going to shred themselves and I've found that pre-cooking and storing in the fridge tends to cause some foods to degrade a little.  Some things are tastier if I prepare them right before I'm going to eat them.  I spend more time consuming my meals. There's a lot of chewing to be done when the plate is full of plant material. I spend LESS time snacking on the sofa in front of the television.  I'm simply not as hungry as I was a couple months ago.  On days I go to the gym, I'm able to sleep a precious 15 minutes extra because I stopped having pre-workout snacks. (My go-to a couple months ago was half a peanut butter sandwich.)  I'm not starving when I get home from the gym even though I'm going 12 plus hours without eating. Finally,  I'm spending less time at the grocery store. I hit the produce department and a couple aisles for grains/nuts, and I'm out of there.  I'm no longer browsing the aisles of the grocer like I'm on an entertaining shopping expedition.

So the question is, what to do with all this time?  I've been thinking of taking up knitting again. I'm also browsing travel sites to dream about my next big adventure.

I'm looking forward to seeing my physician later this week. I'll let you know how my bloodwork turns out. As good as I feel, I expect to see improvement in my labs.

Thanks again for all your kind words of encouragement.  Your support is highly appreciated.

I'm Kind of Amazed

For those following along, I've completed 3 weeks of a vegan diet.

Workouts:  5 CrossFit classes.
Percent vegan diet: 100%
Weight: Minus 10.5 lbs since May 7.
Mood: Good.

I encountered some challenges this week.

I was invited to a birthday party and I knew there would be an open bar. I've abstained from alcohol since the first week of May for several reasons. I don't want to succumb to disinhibition-induced eating. I don't want the empty calories. I'm avoiding processed food as much as possible. But, hey, it was a celebration. Right? I had 2 drinks and avoided the adorable cupcakes on a platter nearby. My feet were aching (high heels and a little dancing) and my friend and I were hungry. We pulled out our phones and searched the neighborhood.  Mai's!!!  Mai's is a local Vietnamese restaurant that's open until 4am. I was happy to see tofu pho with vegetarian broth on the menu.  I could only eat half of that beautiful bowl of soup but it was a good choice.  I was in bed by 12:30 but had to be up early Saturday for an 8:00am crossfit class followed by a clinic to work on handstand pushup progressions. If I say that I was pretty sore, quite fatigued, very thirsty, and a little cranky, I'm not exaggerating.  So those reasons for avoiding alcohol? Number one continues to be dehydration.  It's just not worth it to me.

My next challenge came with the Memorial Day weekend.  Because I'm not traveling this weekend, I've had a lot of time on my hands. In my quasi-boredom, I've surfed social media and there are a lot of pictures of BBQs, beginning-of-summer celebrations, etc, etc.  I was invited to a couple cookouts.  I declined. I don't trust myself with all that grilled meat yet.  My commitment to a plant-based diet is for 30 days. I NEED to honor this commitment to myself. I want to see the results, look at the data, and make a decision for my lifestyle based on reality - not some "hope" that things can be better.  I'm attempting to stay busy at home. I ironed some clothes in the back of the closet that now fit me.  I planted a tomato plant and some herbs out on my patio.  This morning, I'm participating in the Memorial Day Murph workout at my CF gym.  Doing 3/4 and planning to smash last year's time.

Things ARE getting better. My sleep is improving. My workouts are more intense and I feel like I'm getting more out of them.  Best of all, my arthritis pain is drastically improved. I've had ZERO ibuprofen or Tylenol this week.  Zero. It's been decades since I could say that. I'm kind of amazed.

As always, thanks to all who have reached out and asked me how it's going and offered their support. Much appreciated.



(A snapshot of this week's farmshare. It's easier to be excited with all this beauty available.)

Week 2 Recap

For those following along, I've completed 2 weeks of a vegan diet.

Workouts:  5 CrossFit classes.
Percent vegan diet: 100%
Weight: Minus 8.4 lbs since May 7.
Mood: Remains overall upbeat.

It's getting easier, y'all.

I haven't experienced too many cravings for meat but thought about cheese more times than I think one usually would in a normal day.  Years ago I took a meditation class and worked with a technique to gently push intruding thoughts away from my mind's eye.  I've been calling on that method to deal with intruding thoughts of cheddar and mozzarella.  I imagine the back of my hand ever-so-gently pushing the thought off to the side. It's working so far.  In reality, simply acknowledging that I'm THINKING about cheese during the day tells me that I probably haven't thought about it enough. It was an easy grab from the refrigerator when I was hungry and I fooled myself into thinking it had something I needed to sustain me. Don't get me wrong. It's delicious. I simply ate more of it than was healthy for me.

The other epiphany I had this week was around my use of food as entertainment. I stayed at a friend's house this weekend - watching his place and his dog. I do this fairly often (every month or so) and previously, I haven't taken much of my own food because there are so many great restaurants close by.  I rationalized not cooking because: I didn't want to dirty up the kitchen, he uses different oil/condiments/etc, and I was allowing myself the "treat" of hamburgers, fries, chinese food, chicken caesar salad, beer.  You get the picture.

This weekend I carted all my own food to his house. I cooked all my meals. I drank oceans of water.  I still felt as if I'd been treated but the difference was I was treating myself better.

None of this is earth-shattering and I'm aware of that.  I hope that by putting some of my thoughts into words, I can start to cement the changes I'm experiencing into my behaviors. Maybe someone reading will be encouraged.  I certainly appreciate the encouragement I've received from those who are reading along. Your kind words mean the world to me. Thank you.

One more thing. I received a HUGE dose of inspiration watching the team from CrossFit Central Houston compete at the regional CrossFit competition.  Congrats to them for their strong showing.

Rambling in a Recap - Week 1

For those following along, I've completed 1 week of a vegan diet.

Workouts:  5 CrossFit classes.
Percent vegan diet: 100%
Weight: Minus 3.3 lbs
Mood: Generally good and upbeat.

Welcome to my wanderings.  I'm kind of free associating this recap. I'm not sure how else to do it.

Evenings:  Less drifting off on the sofa in the evenings. I brush my teeth immediately after dinner. One night, I had pistachios...otherwise no evening snacking.  When I find myself thinking about grabbing something to eat, I realize it's mostly a matter of boredom - not hunger.

CrossFit Classes have been good. My energy flags the last 5 minutes of each workout but I'm pushing through and it feels great not to quit. In my mind, I keep going back to that day in class when Coach Phil told me that until I committed to the intensity of the workout, I wasn't getting out of it what I potentially could.

Feeling more comfortable yet more interested and curious about the vegan diet.  Working through which proteins I like and which don't do that much for me on a satisfaction/taste level.  Yesterday, I made a field trip to Whole Foods. "Beyond Meat" burger was OK. I give it a 7/10.  Bought protein powder and a daily multivitamin. THIS is where the expense of a vegan diet comes from.  Walking the shelves at Whole Foods showed me a lot of processed vegan choices - things I'd rather steer clear of. I note that tofu is easy and pretty neutral (as far as taste goes) but considering my mom died at 45 of breast cancer, I don't want to rely too heavily on soy as a protein source.  I finally settled on a pea protein supplement to make smoothies for some meals. (Not really a change for me to have smoothies for some meals.  I take my lunch to work most days and smoothies don't make the office smell like whatever leftover cruciferous vegetable I might heat up. One must be considerate above all else.)

I developed a weird sore throat earlier in the week. It lasted about 3 days and was very focal with no other symptoms to speak of.  For a few fleeting moments, I thought it would be cosmically hilarious/tragic if I had some unexpected oral cancer just when I was attempting to get my health together.  This is a perfect example of the all-or-none thinking my brain likes to play with.

Speaking of all-or-none:  Prior to starting this adventure, I purchased a package of Oreo cookies. I didn't throw them out.  I read somewhere that they're actually vegan.  They're still in my cabinet. I haven't eaten even one since starting this plan.  I think they're the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes in the desk drawer of an ex-smoker. There's a strange power derived from knowing they're available but I have a choice.

I'm strangely disappointed at a weight loss of 3.3 lbs in 1 week.  I "should" be happy with that. I think I've watched too many Biggest Loser type shows.  I'm not going to lose 17 lbs the 1st week because I don't weigh 400 lbs. My body image is fairly warped. I love reality TV because it's so far from my own reality. Food for damned thought.

If you're reading this, thanks for your interest. And, also, BIG thanks to all who contacted me offering support and information. You're appreciated. MS