Looking Into the Future

I know horoscopes are, as my Grandmother used to say, a bunch of hooey. But sometimes, when I'm just not quite sure what's going on around me, I'll check out the forecast for Pisces and see if it's applicable to my current situation. It usually is. I know. I know. I can twist anything to fit. But at least it's another way for me to view my circumstances, another angle. And so it goes with tomorrow's words:

Negotiate relationships between coworkers today, and you will earn major points.

I can approach this about a dozen different ways. I need to approach this in at least three or four. Tomorrow should be interesting. I look forward to it. I really do.

Edited to add: After posting this I started thinking about my day...and a conversation I had with a colleague about what we (she and I) see almost every day. It's tough. We don't admit that to too many people. I remembered a blog entry from awhile back. And I realized that I had literally shoved a very tough day right to the back of my mind. Today was not good. Today was bad. And I left work, got busy with errands, and then cleaned my apartment for a couple hours. What was I cleaning, anyway? Perhaps I was cleaning away my day. I don't know. Anyway. I think one reason I blog is to get this stuff out. So here it is. From today and from some yesterdays ago. I think it helps me.

Burn on, don't burn out.
5/4/2007 6:13:14 PM
Today brought a relentless procession of "not good".
Sad. Tragic.
Oh. My. God. Don't. Make. Me. Consider. That.
They just kept coming.
I can handle one or two a day. I can handle three, sort of.
But seven-thirty to three, with only a couple of breaks to run to the bathroom, Too much to handle. At least not on a regular basis. Good thing I don't have to. This is not the norm.
And all I wanted to do was get out of there and get into me. But I'm not quite me yet. And I had some of me chipped away today. Rather, I think I gave some of me away. They seemed to need it/her/me more than I did.
*sigh*
I want to do what is right for me. I want to take a bit. But that seems to be too much (to ask) at this very moment in time. Here's the thing. I wonder if this isn't just an easy way (to be sad) sometimes. An easy out. For those of us who are in it up to our necks. Seems I could admit to the other things that are eating at me...but I don't have to, if I have this. This sadness. So again... I want to do what is right for me. I want to take a bit. But just what is too much for this moment in time? For what do I ask and from whom?

Midweek Meanderings

This was a day for trying to accomplish little tasks and for taking my time doing just that. Trying to meet those two goals in concurrence took some effort. I'm not sure if is realistic to expect to relax on my one day out of the office during the work week, but I tried. Harry helped. Harry Connick, Jr. More about him in a little bit.

First, let me digress. I want to join the ranks of those who are speaking out in scorn and disdain of the evil monster dubbed "BlackBerry". The vile creature has been vibrating at me all day. I've attempted to set the profile (whatever the hell that is) so that the little beast will not notify me of new emails, only pages. But nooooo! It won't obey me. It has it's own agenda, which I believe is to remind me each 3 or 4 minutes that I am a slave to the State of Texas. Prior to receiving this 5 by 8 centimeter piece of potential rancor, I considered myself a mere employee of the former Republic. Yuch, yuch, yuch.

So, back to Wednesday. I drove over to the Galleria area first thing this morning. Needed to pick up W's mail. I'm so glad there are quick ways around 610 traffic. It was just zip in, and zip out. Easy cheezy. Yea!

Then to see my dentist. What a hoot she is. Just making sure things are ok because I lost a little filling and I don't want to go to Mexico if there is work to be done. She reassured me, and she'll fix it in a couple weeks. She is always so BIG with her hand gestures, and words, and expressions. I suggested that she might want to come observe surgery with me and she was so very excited at the prospect. I kind of got a little lost in her parking garage trying to find my car. Had to just laugh at myself. I mean, really, I can find my way all over Houston, but lose my car in a garage. I found it...eventually.

I'm trying to find Astros jerseys. I guess Hunter Pence doesn't have an official jersey out yet. I found a kid's XL tshirt for me. It'll do until I find something else. The guy working the counter at Sports Authority wasn't so helpful.
Me: "I'm wondering when you might have Hunter Pence jerseys available."
Him: "Who?"
Me: "Hunter Pence, he plays for the Astros???"
Him: "What's he play?"
Me: "Center field. Really?"
Him: "What's his name?"
Me: "Hey, thanks anyway."
Sports Authority, rriiight.

Next was DSW. That's shoes. Ok. For me, it's like a bakery when I'm on a strict diet. I tried on the Laurens, and bought the keds, on sale for $15. I might as well have smelled chocolate and had sugar free gum. Damn those Laurens looked good.

I ducked into The Container Store. That's got to be one of the silliest stores I've ever seen. Who needs all that stuff? A person can buy a special canvas pocketed container to hang on the front door to make sure he doesn't forget to take things with him when he leaves his place in the morning. For the low, low price of $12.99. Or, he could do it my way. Set things on the corner of the table by the door. Sheesh!

Somewhere in between all that I stopped by my car dealer and my guy says he can fix my broken mirror for less than a hundred bucks. Cool. And Central Market helped me stock up on fresh veggies and fruit.

Oh, and Harry? Lovely, lovely music all morning long. Voice so smooth and lyrics so open and romantic. His music is all someone sappy like me could possibly hope for. I'm a big fan of Wednesdays such as this. I sailed through my morning. And I took that beast off my hip. I started checking for pages every 15 minutes or so. That way, I was in charge.

Hours Gone but Not Lost

One down, I'm not sure how many more to go. I think there are ten or twelve. I'm working on the illustrations for a children's book. I decided to try this myself. Why not? I've surprised myself in other arenas lately.

Researching the paper, selecting the paints and brushes was fun. I wasn't completely lost, but it's outside my normal realm of daily activity, so it was interesting and just scientific enough to fool me into thinking I was using parts of my brain that are used to getting a workout. Then I sat down at my kitchen table last night with my supplies spread out before me. Oh!My!God! What the hell was I thinking?

I zenned those thoughts away from me, gave them a nudge with the psychic back of my hand and simply started. I painted many, many rosebuds...some soft, some bright. Then I had it. One large free form flower with a single leaf. I'm not even sure if an adult would call it a rosebud. But I think a child will believe it when he or she sees it. And that is what I want. I want a child to believe it.

What I believe after spending time with those rosebuds is that time can become suspended in the pursuit of art. I've experienced it with writing, and with music, and now with this lovely thing called "belief in oneself while one paints".

My Time, Our Time

He's off to another world today. At least it seems like it. We've been apart almost as much as we've been together, since we've been together. But when we're together, it's dedicated time. I used to smirk at the phrase, "quality time". Now I understand. Now I get it.

This weekend I called myself a Texan, a Houstonian. As I move away from being a Kansan, I wonder if I am leaving behind my whirlwind patterns. Am I allowing myself to finally relax? There is no longer the need to be a tornado, to spin through a room, picking up, organizing, fixing, checking.

I am four years away from my old life, five years out of my old shell, fifteen years free from my old walls. The thing is, I do not want to measure my life in years backward anymore. I am now breathing one breath in, one breath out. This day is mine. This moment is ours to seize and to spend with all the vigor and joy we can possibly manage. And with each breath, I smell the freshness of the days to come, the quality of my life, my time.

One day...one day I will again measure my life backward. Possibly from this day. Possibly from the day that I put down in words that the Kansas tornado is now simply breathing and living in Texas, one day at a time. I am living quality Texas time, appreciating the time that I spend alone, and with him.

Mothers' Day Revisited

Time spent with two very special young people in a car today inspired me to pull out this piece. It's from Mothers Day 2007. I'm getting a little different perspective about kids right now. Being 47 and spending time around two little ones who aren't my own is certainly different than being in my early 20's and having all that responsibility...but I'm smiling a lot. And there are new lessons to be learned, I'm sure.



When The Student is Ready...

...the teacher appears, or so the saying goes. Mothers' Day came and went without much fanfare this year. I had my yearly "discussion" with my mom. She's not living anymore. I have this little talk with her each year. I like to think she's listening. I thank her for her sacrifices and let her know I'm still pretty pissed off, but working through it. I am now only about as bitter as the best chocolate, not so much like wild onions dug up in the back yard in early June.

Mother's Day was very difficult for a few years and then a good friend pointed out that I should maybe get my act together and think about the fact that my kids might want to celebrate me, of all things. He said I might want to quit wallowing in my own sorrow long enough to realize that I was still a mom, that the holiday was going to go on whether I wanted it to or not, and that I was depriving my children of the chance to be truly appreciated for their efforts. Talk about a harsh dose of reality. And a much needed one, at that.

My children are grown. I did not get to see them this year, but they called on the phone. In fact, both of them called earlier in the week, and mentioned that they would talk to me Sunday. I miss them. Of course I wish we could be together on Mothers' Day, but it is what it is. They are out living their dreams and I am thrilled for them.

Watching them grow into their dreams is so exciting for me. Here are a few of the lessons I've learned from them. They are great teachers.

Take a chance. Grab it, run with it, believe in your own strengths.

Make introductions, and don't forget to include yourself.

Give a second chance.

A dog makes a wonderful pillow.

Tea parties don't have to be elaborate, but the imagination should be.

A drive in a car can be a good time to talk, or a better time to be quiet, together.

Privacy is a thing to be respected.

The moment when you reach the arc...at the top of the swing is the best.

Moms can pitch, and sons want us to.

Where I Sit

I work in an office of women. Right, I'm not there so often. We're each, in our own time, off to the operating room or the clinic, but on rare occasions, we end up at our desks at the same time...all six of us. Our ages range from late 20's to late 50's. We've come to know each other quite well over the last year. That's when we underwent the most recent addition to our team.

Lately, some of the women in our office have been faced with incredibly difficult life challenges. Family issues are causing strife and pain. Those of us who are sitting in a comfortable place on any given day are doing our best, between patient phone calls and paperwork, to listen and show support.

I'm at one of those stages (blessed? lucky?) where things are going very well. I'm entirely aware of my circumstances. My children are healthy and seem to be doing quite well in school. I'm healthy and happy. My father is good. No problem looms so large as to cause me undue stress at this moment on my timeline. In fact things are going so well that one woman in my office accused me of living a "Golden Life". And she said it with a tinge of (my perception) bitterness, quickly followed by a laugh. I didn't quite know how to take that at first. But I am thankful, indeed.

I introspect. To the point of perseveration at times. But focusing on the good is OK, I suppose. The counterpoint is unthinkable.

In cleaning out the closets of my previous blog, I came across this entry from January. Seems that this feeling I have is not a flash in the pan. Thank God. Thank God.

Looking Back
1/29/2007 5:58:50 PM
Living in a state of peace and calm as I never would have imagined twenty, ten...even five years ago, I had to remind myself not to take it all for granted this morning. The temptation is strong to simply live in the moment. "Why look back?, Why not just accept things as wonderful and move on?" I came from a place of chaos, of disorder. It is almost as if another woman stepped in and took the place of me. She grew up and filled my shoes while I was busy scrambling to survive.
But I know. I know that this is not a fairy tale. This change has been born of mistakes and the sort of gut work that demands evaluation. That, and something else. For what gift is blind growth? I can not make an assumption of random benevolence. I believe there has been a partnership at work, shaping my past, my present and my future.
Examination of my steps, with acknowledgement of choices, mishaps and yes...I will admit it...at times dumb luck, with my responses to the same, may determine an even more satisfying horizon that I can only begin to allow myself to imagine.

Changes in Attitude

If you're an HC friend, and you've done your detective work, you've found me here. THIS is my goodbye post. I'm outta there. If I love you, you know it. We've undoubtedly already exchanged phone numbers or emails, so we'll keep in touch that way. If we haven't, and you think we should have, let me know through a comment here, and we'll figure it out.

I've copied all my favorite pieces and I will probably post some of them here. I'd like to get some other feedback and I want to expand my writing. I'm excited about all the changes in my life.

I'll see you around. M

Dumbstruck

What needs to be said,
Sits behind my eyes.
It betrays me to others
With silent revelation.

What needs to be said,
Steals into my room while I sleep,
Then storms through my slumber
With unexpected fierceness.

What needs to be said,
Impedes my very speech.
Words stick in my throat.
I am dumbstruck.

3/05/07

And...

And in this word is forward.
And in this word is trust.
And in this word inclusion.
And in this word is us.

And in this word lies healing.
And in this word is care.
And in this word is mentor.
And in this word some dare.

And in this word is teacher.
And in this word is truth.
And in this word is father.
And in this word wait youth.

And in this word no limits.
And in this word move on.
And in this word more hope springs.
And in this word new dawn.

For W. H. June 17, 2007