Lighten Up!

I'm cleaning today, cleaning this apartment - room by room. I'm rearranging furniture, which means that I'm moving furniture from one room to another. The easiest way I've found to accomplish that task is to move it end over end. It's like rolling a rock, only the rock is a dresser or a chair. It sounds a little awkward, but it's really much easier my way than to drag/pull/push/grunt/strain. I don't have any help, after all. I moved a dresser into my bedroom because I rarely have company stay in my guest room and those empty dresser drawers weren't being put to any use. I got the job done - my way.

I have four bags of clothing to donate to Goodwill and I've pitched several loads of magazines and other worthless stuff that was collecting dust. I'm preparing for my lease expiration in January. I still don't know where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere.

I think I'll rest better in my room with my bed at this new angle. I don't know if it will be a feng shui thing or if I'll just be exhausted from all the physical labor today.

While cleaning I came across my scanner and also several boxes of photos. Of course I welcomed the chance to sit for awhile while I loaded the scanner software onto this laptop and played around with scanning some pictures. I came across this old pic of me when I was about nineteen years old. Yup, this is Michelle thirty years ago. What cracks me up is the hair. There's so MUCH of it. I took myself so seriously back then. I was so sunbleached, too. Not good. Anyway, this picture gave me a little laugh and I needed that today.

Perseverance

Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second. ~ William James

I'm taking a little break from cleaning closets to watch "Meet The Press". The panel is discussing the life of Senator Edward Kennedy and the theme that rings constant among notes about his dedication to his family, constituency, and his country is the theme of perseverance. The late legislator lived a life of tragedy and recovery, even of incredible public embarrassment and yet he continued on with the work he felt was important, the work he felt he was born to do. He persevered.

I met with friends for our "Second Saturday" last night. No, it wasn't the second Saturday of the month but it was long overdue and we were (most of us) available, so we gathered for a meal and a discussion around the table. The purpose of the meals is to cook together with friends and to try to focus the conversations on current topics of politics, ethics, etc. We enjoyed a Cajun meal of crab cakes, muffalletas and jambalaya and settled into the topics of the day. We soon came around to the death of Kennedy. The common thread that we kept coming back to was how disturbing it is to see the media and some of our acquaintances, even some of our friends bashing the man for the death of Mary Jo Kopechne in 1969. We each, to a person, stated that it was a terrible thing, horrible. Then we started talking about our own mistakes. We've all made them, some of them devastating. The thing is we've been able to continue on with our lives, as did Kennedy - with the exception of the vilifying he received by his political enemies. He persevered.

Where would so many of the people Kennedy helped be if he had given up? What would the political climate of our country be if he had laid down, if he hadn't pushed for his second wind?

In the face of adversity, whatever it may be, I need to think of really extending myself. I have much more reserve than I realize. The Kennedy brothers weren't superhuman. They were oh-so-human. They proved it time and again. They simply pushed through and past adversity. They looked at their goals and persevered.

Today I lift up my gratitude for the role models in my life. I realize that the trait I admire most in them is their strength and their belief in their ability to get through the most difficult of situations. I feel thankful to have their examples in my life.

Remember. Rise.

Distance: 3.8 miles
Start time: 8:07 am
Run Duration: 43 minutes
Pace: 11.3 minutes/mile
Temperature: 75 degrees
Humidity: 81%
Location: Hermann Park, Houston, TX

I'm still tired and I'm determined to break through this fatigue. I'm giving a presentation about health care providers and fatigue in a couple weeks. In doing the research I was interested to find that there haven't been many published works on the subject but there is emerging data on a syndrome called "Compassion Fatigue". This occurs when those of us who treat cancer become withdrawn and cynical over time in response to the continual witnessing of our patients' suffering. It's not yet an official diagnosis, but can lead to depression and anxiety. Well...duh. I know I've been there (off and on) for a couple years. I think certain life events have pushed me to a point of knowing that something has to change. I'm not sure what must change, though. I'm not sure if I need to get out of Oncology, achieve a change of scenery, or look at my support system - just what is it, exactly? I'm working on my energy requirements and expenditures honestly for the first time in my life. That's something. I feel a stirring, an awakening. This I know.

Today marks the fourth anniversary of the day that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans. I continue to be in awe of the spirit of those who believe in their city and I feel it is important to keep New Orleans lifted up and in the front of our awareness. There is still much work to be done on so many levels. I feel hope for not only New Orleans' future but for the future of our country when I know it's in the hands of people like Chris and Adrienne who chose to remain in New Orleans when they could be somewhere else. I feel hope for our future when I talk with Paige and Josh, knowing they aren't taking the easy way. They're working to make this world better by living in Portland, training and working long hours in jobs that help people who might otherwise fall through the cracks.

On my way to Hermann Park today I saw the tree in the photo I've posted. I think it has something to tell us about survival. I'm trying very hard to be like that tree right now.

That's So Much Better, Isn't It?

Save as.
Click.
Save.
Click.
Where did I put that freaking thumbdrive?

I was determined to finish. You may remember that I needed a push to become more motivated about attending to my goals for this academic year. Today I chugged full steam ahead and it feels fantastic.

My article is complete and the query for publication has been made.

Inhale. Exhale. Send.

My presentation is polished, PowerPointed and a tentative date has been scheduled.

What was so hard about that? Only everything and nothing.

Life Coaches

Distance: 4 miles
Start time: 5:00 am
Run Duration: 44 minutes
Pace: 11 minutes/mile
Temperature: 81 degrees
Humidity: 78%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

"Pay Attention". I keep those words in a frame in my apartment. I keep those words on the inside cover of the scut notebook that rides in my left lab coat pocket at work. I try to keep those words in front of me as I start each day. This being said, just because something is noted momentarily, it doesn't necessarily deserve prolonged attention. Discernment on that issue is the key, isn't it? Otherwise I'd be much like the raccoons that hang out in the garbage bin at my apartment complex - infinitely fascinated with a near-empty tin that once held pork and beans.

I've had many opportunities to pay attention lately. Two stand out for me this morning. I know a married couple, ToddAndVali. That's what we call them, because they're such a...Pair. Anyway, at Happy Hour last week, Todd asked me if I am training with a running group. I pretty much shrugged him off, offering excuses about time, inconvenience, me being a loner, yada, yada, yada. I will tell you that this job of curing cancer is really not conducive to an organized training schedule. We work long hours and surgery waits for no one. There's no way I can afford to be late for work. So after his eyes glazed over (Todd does that when he's bored), he looked at me and said, "You really ought to be changing up your mileage, you know. A group would help. But you'll do what you want to do." Then he turned back to his beer.

Next opportunity to pay attention: I've booked yet another vacation. I'm going to get out of this town if it kills me - and it might. That, or I'll go broke trying. I let some of my friends know and a few questioned why I'm traveling so much. I told them I just need to be "there, not here." Scott Newsom (of ScottAndTeri) said, "Comes a time in every relationship where disillusionment sets in. That's the opportunity for deepening knocking on the door." Scott's a psychologist. We have a social relationship, not a professional one. What he said could be applied to so many aspects of my life. I'm going to pay close attention to him. He is wise, Austin-weird, but wise.

Today I recognize the wealth of knowledge that surrounds me and I am grateful that my friends are willing to coach me in their own way. I am blessed.

I'll Tell You What I Believe

I ran Friday morning and spent this weekend recharging with friends. I considered (briefly) a run Saturday, but gave in to the need for sleep instead. Not running for two days is fine. I know this.

Friday night brought Happy Hour at The Harp. I drank a little too much and laughed my silly ass off. I think we've got one more for our cruise in October so talking with him about the trip made me even more happy. Planning travel always makes me happy. I listened to my friends tell hilarious stories, I felt calm and loved and most of all, at peace.

I bought a new dress Saturday morning. It's all ruffles and beads and quite girly. I'm looking forward to finding an opportunity to wear it. Saturday night brought dinner and dancing with Janet and Laurel. They're two of my best friends. We can get out on the dance floor, just us girls and not worry about having to dance with guys if we don't want to. I didn't want to. I'm not there yet.

Today I drove over to China Town for dim sum with the gang. We enjoyed a tasty lunch, then walked around Hong Kong City Mall and marveled at all the delicacies. I passed on purchasing my groceries there, opting instead to stop at Central Market on the way home for organic berries and yogurt. Gotta get back on the healthy bandwagon I've been riding so successfully. I'm enjoying it, after all.

My weekend hasn't been all roses. I received word that a former colleague was murdered. I was saddened, but honestly not as shocked as I could have been. My heart has been hardened by the darkness that occurs in the world and this is just one more of those events. I feel sympathy for his family and I know that his patients are certainly reeling at the news. He was a gifted Physician and he performed much service for his community.

My phone rang this afternoon and I had a potentially difficult conversation which turned out better than I expected. Looking back on this weekend, I wondered if I'd written anything that could apply to where I am, my frame of mind. I remembered that I'd started something for NPR's "This I Believe". I found it in my archives. I haven't finished it. I've barely started. I think it's fine, just fine, considering my actions lately and in the setting of hearing that someone I know has been struck down so violently - so suddenly.

This is what I wrote:

"I believe in being honest with myself."

That' all I've done so far. I think it's enough for now.

Adjust

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 5:10 am
Run Duration: 30 minutes
Pace: 10 minutes/mile
Temperature: 80 degrees
Humidity: 84%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

Planning gets me in trouble. Rather, my expectations and subsequent disappointment have been known to send me into tailspin. Let's be honest if we're being honest. This has been the heart of my gutwork over the last few years. I've had to learn to cede my need for control that grew out of years of chaos. OK, more honesty. I haven't learned it completely. I am a perpetual student.

My alarm NPR'd me at 4:19 this morning. I considered staying in bed, but thought better of it. I'm determined to see this thing through. The nice thing about the freeway at this early hour is the lack of traffic. I pulled off 610 at Woodway/Memorial and noticed that Woodway was closed. Too bad for them. Too bad for me. Memorial was closed also. I figured it out. You say this is no big deal? Realize that I'm the one who is repeatedly given maps for birthday gifts. I got there. I ran. Three years ago I would have returned home and abandoned the run. I most likely would have purchased a breakfast burrito or some other insane heart-clogger, like donuts on the way home, too.

Have a great day. Whatever adjustments you make.

Beginning

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 8:24 am
Run Duration: 32 minutes
Pace: 10.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 81 degrees
Humidity: 79%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." Louis L'Amour

What does a beginning look like? I suppose it looks like Wednesday morning at Memorial Park. It looks like a 49 y/o female stepping out of her very used Chevy Tracker. She is stiff and feeling slightly beat up, sore from an hour and a half massage last night. The massage therapist asked her if she wanted him to work on the knots around her scapulae and she assured him that, yes...she did. He did. She feels every point where his elbows pushed below and around the musculature of her back. She wonders if she is bruised. She doesn't care. She needs to run today. She needs to sweat.

A beginning looks like the same woman stepping onto the trail, checking her watch and moving about 20 yards down the trail before she spots a friend among the cars in the parking lot. She quickly calls out to the friend, they greet each other and make plans for Saturday night. All smiles they remark on how good the other looks. And they mean it. Neither woman has a molecule of makeup on her face. Neither wants or needs it. They will save that for Saturday night. The woman feels something of beginning in the plans for the weekend but it is only because the spectre of unplanned weekends doesn't hang over her anymore. Her weekends are hers now. There is no doubt, no question. No more.

The woman bids her friend goodbye and continues on her run. She is in no hurry today. She is out for the sweat. She finishes her miles and finds a massive live oak to shade her stretch. Time is not a concern. She moves through sun salutations and loses herself to the morning. This is what a beginning looks like - presence.

Today I lift up my gratitude for the ability to listen to my inner voice. I pray for strength in the next few days and weeks when I have no doubt that I will face lonely times. I give thanks for recent life lessons learned and I lift up the man who showed me so much love and who I also believe must be hurting today. I pray that he is safe and secure and I am grateful that he was part of my life for a short, sweet time.

Adjunct to "Push"

I wrote "Hearts" in July of 2008. Today I pushed myself to express my feelings and fears. The poem below encompasses much of what I've been trying to say for months. I pushed myself and something along my life's continuum broke loose. It's no big surprise. I'm not even sure if finality has declared itself. I pushed. It had to be done. I know this. If nothing else, I can keep my own company and I will be better for this - a happier person, a healthier partner...someday. For someone. Love, love, love. M.


Hearts

This is a careful walk I take
across your landscape.
Though invited and called,
I stand at the gate.
I pause.
The wreckage comes to meet me.
It winds around my ankles
like an alley cat after a
bloody battle.
I step,
one, two,
then I wait.
Are you ready for my company?
Would you rather steep in your own
misery?
You have been shattered.
Your shards of glass will certainly
cut me.
Perhaps I can carry a few of these pieces.
I will tend to your heart,
as you did mine.
Rest.

M. Scofield 7/13/2008

Push

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 5:20 am
Run Duration: 31 minutes
Pace: 10.33 minutes/mile
Temperature: 81 degrees
Humidity: 81%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

It wasn't cooler, but it felt cooler this morning. Maybe it was a little breezy from the building up of tropical storms off the coast of Africa. Maybe I'm a little breezy still from my weekend away. I'm not sure. This morning's run felt cooler and more pleasant.

I'd like to take just a couple minutes to talk about motivation. If you're reading this and you're not feeling like exercising today, please do something - even if it's only a twenty minute walk.

I was so inspired to learn that someone is getting something from my words here. It's motivated me to keep writing. Doing so will help me to be a better writer. I'm certain of that fact. Last night I talked to a friend who told me that she is afraid to let anyone read what she's written. I challenged her to write one piece, and to post it on her Facebook page and tag me so that I could read it. I also said she could tag a couple of my writer friends. What can it hurt? It's a first step.

I've been putting off writing an article. It's included in my goals for the academic year and if I don't meet those goals, no bonus. Well, really..."IN THESE DIFFICULT ECONOMIC TIMES..." Who really thinks there will be a bonus? I don't. But in my myopic cynicism I forgot the more important aspects. I know my subject. It's good for me to write and I might just get the damned thing published. It's written and is being edited now. Bonus Schmonus.

I'm all about the push right now. For me. Do you need to be pushed? I'll just leave it out there for you. I'm going to take a shower and go to work. Have a great day, readers!

Oh, almost forgot. Today I lift up my gratitude for the beauty of the morning sky and the ability to recognize it as such. The crescent moon reminded me of new beginnings and ever-opportunities to leap, endeavor, and push ourselves.

Busy Days of Purposeful Relaxation

I drove about 550 miles roundtrip over the last 4 days. I spent the time with two friends I've known for 25 years. It was rejuvenating. We took our meals together - some we prepared and one at a great Tex-Mex dive in the old neighborhood. We drank vodka tonics and laughed until I had hiccups. We watched movies and I fell asleep in front of the TV. We teased each other with the same good nature that never seems to go away, no matter how many months go by between visits.

I love them so much.

I miss them.

We took a 5 mile walk and we talked, and talked, and talked.

We drove all over downtown and uptown Dallas and I was given the opportunity to soak up a little bit of the feel of the neighborhoods, including the Museum District. We spent an hour at The Nasher, enjoying the sculptures. Picasso still scares me, after all these years of trying to appreciate him.

We cooled off in the pool yesterday afternoon and revved ourselves up with the silliest game of Wii tennis ever played last night.

I laughed and I listened. I needed the time away from Houston, to sit quietly with a cat on one side of me and a dog on the other.

I'm home now and recharged, certain of my need to continue with my running, ready for the miles that are in front of me next week. I feel as if I've received some sort of vitamins that were missing from my diet. Today I lift up my gratitude for Lynn and Jack and for our friendship. I am so grateful for the gift of being able to be myself when I am with them. I am fully aware of how special that is.

New Shoes!

I love the feeling of new shoes, especially when the fit is perfect. I bought a new pair today. Asic Gel Nimbus-II. They feel so good I want to put them on and hop around my place. I can't get out of the apartment because of a massive thunderstorm that's slamming Houston at the moment. Oh well.

I just got off the phone with my friend Laurel. I told her I was going to take a picture of my shoes. Her reply to me was entirely predictable.

"Because you're a dork like that."

Yes, I am.

Daybreak Run - Breaking Dawn

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 6:30 am
Run Duration: 31 minutes
Pace: 10.33 minutes/mile
Temperature: 81 degrees
Humidity: 80%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

I'm feeling a little better today. I went to bed at 9 last night, even after telling myself I'd try to stay awake later. I slept fitfully and I know I checked my clock at 3am but woke feeling pretty rested at 5:30 and made my way to the park. I still don't have the energy I'd like to, so I think I'll check in with my Physician next week and ask for his once-over just to make sure everything's ok. It's probably just a matter of stress but if there's one thing I've learned in my years in medicine, I don't want to let something get away from me if there is a correctable problem. I suppose it could be my nutrition, too. Although I'd like to eat a steak, I've cut so far back on red meat since seeing "Food, Inc." that I could possibly have a little anemia going on. In the last month I've had only one hamburger and that was a bland tasting grass-fed patty that wasn't worth going back for. Oh, wait...I DID have some bolognese sauce when I went out for Italian with friends, but that's it for beef in the last month.

As I was running today I went over my body systems in my head: No ankle swelling, no shortness of breath, peeing fine. That's the big 3. No weird rashes. Moving up to affect and mood, I decided that I'm not ready to tackle all that. That's not 100% true. I AM ready to tackle my mood. I'm just approaching it incrementally.

As a football fan I wonder if it's possible to tackle a little bit at a time. What's the point in that? If there is a big opponent does it do any good to make a series of small hits or is it better to just knock the hell out of him? I'm not sure if I have the oomph to crumple this situation of mine so I'm going to continue to do what I can - one day at a time.

I'm very excited to see my longtime friends, Lynn and Jack tomorrow. Today is Lynn's birthday so I'll go shopping today and find her something fabulous and surprising (like her). My car is ready to go. New tires, new transmission fluid and oil. I washed and vacuumed it and I swear I heard it gasp in pleasure as I wiped the windows clean.

I continue on my quest toward January. My life has been on hold for so long. I have no idea who will be with me, or where I will be. I have so many wonderful people in my life, people who treasure me and I treasure them. I know I will continue to train for the Half Marathon. I know I will continue to work toward happiness in my off-work time and happiness in my career. I have so many reasons for gratitude today. I lift up the gift of awareness and grace today and pray for blessings on those who support me in my search.

Resting on the 11th Step

I've been forced to stop. Last night found me with profound fatigue. I forced myself onto the treadmill at 3:30 in the afternoon and then could barely keep my eyes open at 5pm. I knew I had to go to bed. I shut off my phone a little after 6 and tried to concentrate on my bedtime prayer as much as possible. I always ask God to watch over my children, my brothers, my father and my sweetheart. I'm not sure if I did this last night. I'm pretty sure I told Him that I was in His hands, I always do. I'm certain I told Him I was tired and I asked for relief and rest.

I fought sleep. I tossed and turned and I remember waking up in a cold sweat - more than once. I was soaked and I remember thinking that I might be sick, but I didn't have the energy to get out of bed and take my temperature or call anyone for help. I was that tired. I had no control. My need at that time, for those few hours was to remain in bed and to do nothing else.

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out."

Some might argue that I take this too literally. I'll let them. There is a reason certain steps are called up to me at certain times. This is one of those times. It is important for me to remain in contact with my Higher Power, to maintain my trust in His plan for me. I need to keep this in front of me, to not be deterred by outside negativity or distractions. I need to believe in His belief in me. These difficult days, these long nights are part of the lessons I am supposed to learn. If I am reminded of The Steps, it is best for me to stop and consider the reason.

Monday Evening Miles - Such as they are...

Distance: 2.5 miles
Start time: 3:30 pm
Run Duration: 25 minutes
Pace: 10 minutes/mile
Temperature: coolish airconditioning
Humidity: ?
Location: My apartment's workout facility

I'm tired. Still, again. Who knows? Surgery wasn't so bad today. Just a couple hours of standing so that shouldn't be the problem. I did take some time at lunch to walk to my bank, in the heat. It was only about half a mile, but WOW it was hot. Maybe that's where my laziness is coming from.

I don't really think it's the heat or work. I think it's finally the passing of all that anxiety, all that worry. I'm shedding it like a skin I didn't need or ask for. It's a struggle to shake. It's tiring. I think that's really what this is all about. I'm going to let myself be tired. I'm going to let myself rest. So what if I only managed two and a half miles today? So what?

Racing Heart

I've worked in several medical disciplines including Psychiatry, Palliative Care, Pain Medicine and Surgery. My surgical work has included my current field - cancer of the head and neck - and cardio/thoracic. It's nothing for me to go into an operating room and set up a case and assist then close the neck. I do it all the time. When I was a newbie PA, seeing a chest split down the middle used to pretty much freak me out and I couldn't wait to get out of the OR. The human heart is so far in appearance from the paper valentines I cut out around our kitchen table as a kid. It's especially intimidating when the chambers are cut open, or even worse, when they've expanded on their own and have shredded for some reason. I've seen some horrific cases of heart attack under various stage of repair.

I've been aware of my own heart rate, or at least my perceived heart rate the last few weeks. I had the perception of tachycardia, but it wasn't present. I was simply anxious. I know the causes of my anxiety and I'm taking steps to correct them. I mentioned this in clinic the other day, to a friend. He reached over to take my pulse and said I have the pulse of an athlete. It was probably 70 beats per minute. He was probably right. My pulse is fine. My brain is the problem.

I got on the internet early today and opened a video link posted by my brother. It showed a winding road and green hillside. The description told me to watch carefully for a possible ghost sighting as the car moved through the mountains. Huh? This was unlike my brother, engineer that he is. I clicked the link. Beautiful Celtic music began to play and I watched the car move through the hills. A zombie/monster/skeleton/thingie popped out and shrieked at me. I screamed. I'm sure I woke the neighbors. Then I laughed. And laughed some more.

All I could think of was when we were kids and my brother would delight in popping out of corners and doorways and scaring the living crap out of me. He wasn't even here to see my reaction, but I can imagine him chuckling over it.

I lift up my gratitude today for my brother and his sense of humor. I appreciate that he doesn't stop. I lift up my gratitude for this beating heart. Even when it doesn't seem to know exactly what it beats for, it continues and it is filled with love.

Everybody Needs a Rabbit

Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days of Summer 5K

Distance: 5K
Start time: 7:15 am
Run Duration: 32:21 minutes
Pace: 10.07 minutes/mile
Temperature: 82 degrees
Humidity: 75%
Location: Downtown, Houston

After 9 hours of fitful sleep, my alarm gave me the signal to rise and get ready to make my way downtown. I'd hoped to feel more rested but I've got so much unsettled in my psyche that I was trying to work it out all night long in my dreams. I remember being in a new house with an old boyfriend, happy that he and I had finally decided to reconcile (I haven't thought of him that way in a very long time). I think the real point of the dream was all the closets. We were having a housewarming party and people were touring our new place. The closets were packed with clothes I didn't need, would never wear and I didn't know what to do with them or how to explain them to our guests. I was a little embarrassed by all I had and all I didn't use - all I would never use. I felt a need to clean up the huge mess I'd created, to purge. Yes, I'm pretty sure that was the point of the dream. So I was busy working out that little bit of psychological angst instead of resting for my run this morning.

Upon waking I showered and tried to figure out my reasoning for growing out this crazy mop of hair. What do people do with it when they run? I may cut it short yet.

I had a piece of toast, a shot of espresso (love my machine!) and jumped in my car for the short drive to the Aquarium. Free parking, gotta love that!

My friend Ken was also signed up. I was happy to see him in his red t-shirt. It (the red shirt) gives me something to watch as he shoots away from the start. He's a couple years younger than me, but he's faster and he's much more competitive. I get a kick out of hearing him say it's all for fun, then watching him set his jaw with seriousness as we get closer and closer to the starting horn.

Same as always, 7:15 came and he was off! I was able to keep my eye on him just past the first mile mark, then I lost him. We passed each other at the turn around and gave each other a shout. I lost him in the crowd at that point. Right before mile 3 I realized that the last uphill climb would be very tough for me.

"Jesus!" It was steep. My calves burned and I slowed to barely more than a trot. I thought of Ken, waiting for me at the finish. I had to pick up the pace. I couldn't imagine him walking this mother of a hill. I ran the rest of the way in.

I've been faster. A few years ago. I'm very happy with my time. This is the first race I've clocked since my injury. I'm really not going for time, I'm training for distance.

Ken was, indeed, at the finish 3 minutes before me. I don't think he was thrilled with his time. We moved into a tent with fans and cooled off over juice and a snack. We started talking about a trip we want to take with friends. This running, these races...it's something we do together that no one else in our social circle shares. We look forward to seeing each other. We count on each other. I count on seeing that red shirt.

Today I raise my gratitude for Ken and our running friendship, running on 6 years now.

January on My Mind

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 8:40 am
Run Duration: 32 minutes
Pace: 10.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 85 degrees
Humidity: 60%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston

I hit the trail late this morning. I was tired, I was feeling weary and sad and still - I wanted to run. I paid for sleeping in an extra hour with an extra eight or nine degrees of heat. That's ok. I wasn't committed to more than three miles anyway, I have a 5K run on Saturday and my right knee isn't hurting, but I'm aware of it, just barely aware of it at the medial, anterior patellar boarder. I've been taking extra time with stretching - long, slow, pleasant stretches that I learned in Physical Therapy. I'm working with anterior and posterior muscle groups and taking care to include my hips in the regimen. The point is that I don't want to fall prey to my enthusiasm and suffer an overuse injury by throwing in too many miles too early. Three miles was enough today. I want to make it to January 17, 2010. That's the date for the Aramco Houston Half Marathon.

I've got three January dates in front of me now. Not only the 17th, but the 15th and the 1st. I was able to speak with someone at the Texas Teachers Retirement System offices and found out that my vested date is January 15, 2010. After that date, I'll be fully vested. I'll be able to leave my current position and have more security (although I realize the economy has pretty much tanked compared to last year) than if I left today. This is huge to me. I feel like I see a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

On January 1 my lease is up on this apartment.

I could leave Houston at the end of January.

I could go.

Oh. My. God.

Last night I had dinner with the three people who are pretty much the reasons I would stay at this point. I told them of my rationale for leaving. It's simple. I want to run. See sentence two of this entry.

(edited to add: The fourth person who could keep me here, absent from the table was not intentionally omitted. His place is always waiting, always ready. It's simply his place to claim.)

Full Moon Tuesday

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 5:13 am
Run Duration: 33 minutes
Pace: 11 minutes/mile
Temperature: 77 degrees
Humidity: 87%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston

Up early today, it's forecast to be 100 degrees when I get off work, so I wanted to take advantage of the little bit of cool I could this morning. The moon was so bright and beautiful this morning as I drove toward the park. It made me smile.

I took my time on the path. The way the shadows fall and contrast between the brightly lit portions of the path played tricks with my eyes. I couldn't see well and I didn't want to take a chance, didn't want to risk a fall or a sprain. Many of my patients tell me that their worse fear (as they age) is stroke. My worse fear is a broken hip. I'm 49 years old and I've been falling my entire life. I'm inherently clumsy. I slip, trip, crash and tumble. I have a fear that I'll end up with a shattered pelvis and...then what? I'll be in some convalescent home, maneuvering via walker, with my gown half open, my backside exposed to everyone who passes by?

Ah, obsession. Where would I be without it? At least I'm never alone.

Lists

I'm summing up a bit today. I need to think of where I've been and where I'm going. I have a to-do list. Lists are on my mind because of a writing project I've started. I'm not sure where I'm going with it, but it started with the idea of a list. This particular project will be written with the help of a gangly thirteen year old girl with kinky hair who sits next to me each day. She is unseen by all but me and speaks only when quiet forces her to fill the silence with something, anything to keep me from saying what I'm really feeling.

Anyway...

1. I must purchase a new watch before I run in the Lazy Crazy Days of Summer 5K next Saturday. I want to keep track of my pace as I go. I want a cheap watch. Nothing fancy. Maybe I'll stop at Target after work. The battery went dead on my last one and I have no idea how to change it, nor do I have an inclination to learn.

2. I'm thinking of buying my next pair of shoes from Zappos. I keep saying that. I need to do it. I like the ASICS Gel Nimbus I'm running on now. No problems with my feet at all.

3. Just for fun I added up my miles since I started this blog. 24 miles in the last half of July. 24 miles in 16 days. I'm happy with that. I feel stronger than when I started.

4. Looking at my spending plans above, I've got to keep putting dollars in the cruise jar. I called the cruise line and convinced them that "Yes, they would credit me forty bucks" since the price has dropped. It's still a big chunk of change and the final payment is coming up. I need to get away, though. I'm planning on treadmilling while on the ship. I've tried that silly running track. It's a great surface, but it's no fun running through the smell of the burning trash in the early morning 86,729,848,571,839 times just to get in the mileage.

Nothing Is Easy Like Sunday Morning

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 8:08 am
Run Duration: 31 minutes
Pace: 10.33 minutes/mile
Temperature: 81 degrees
Humidity: 87%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston

Just a turn around the park today. I've got an appointment for a massage at 10:30 so I needed to get up and get it done.

I had a wonderful evening out last night with my friends Matt and Daryl. We saw "Humpday", a not-so-great movie and ate dinner at Mingalone, a pretty-great Italian restaurant. The guys always help me put perspective on my life, mostly by listening to ME put perspective on my life and by allowing me to be myself. They are very much themselves and that is so special to me.

We talked about the movie, the waiter (what a cutie!) and a little bit of everything else. I also shared a little about my afternoon at the museum of natural science. I can't wait to go back. It felt better than the park did this morning. But that's the way it goes. I'm glad my run is in for the day. One run at a time, after all.

Decision for Forward Motion

Distance: 6 miles
Start time: 8:10 am
Run Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes
Pace: 11.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 82 degrees
Humidity: 87%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston


Mile three: I checked in with myself. I was feeling hot, certainly. But only hot. My legs and lungs were fine. I could do more.

There are markers built into the path at Memorial every quarter mile. The path is a state of disrepair at this time. Houston has been in drought for months and last week was hit by drenching rains. This caused the path to swell and crack. It's not easy to see a lot of the markers, some of them are covered by gravel. I noted the next marker on the path and kept an eye out for more, planning to click off the distance as I listened to NPR's Saturday morning news report.

I almost missed the stone that told me I'd run a total of three and a half miles and I was at a decision point. I could turn around and run back to my parking spot for a total of four miles or go forward and get in six miles today. I checked in with myself again. I was hot. My legs and lungs were fine. I could do more. I ran on.

I'm glad I made that decision. By the time I finished my run today my legs were starting to fatigue. My breathing was beginning to labor. I feel like I had a workout. I also needed to push myself a little harder. I also needed to move forward. I couldn't go back today.

I've been struggling to look for hidden markers for weeks now. As I ran those last two miles I experienced something I haven't ever, EVER experienced as a runner. I know my MP3 player was on. I know there was a radio program in my ears, but I don't remember what was playing. My eyes were on the trail and I was in an almost trance-like state. I was in the run.

I was moving forward. Today, I raise up my gratitude for the gift of the freedom to make decisions and for the ability to recognize that sometimes the search for hidden external markers isn't even relevant upon my decisions.