I'm Still Here

I wonder at what rate this cursor ticks. Is it once per second? I watch the beat as it metronomes me, telling me that the majority of my page is white.

Blank. Blink. Blank.

I had the words earlier today. Before now. Now is later than then.
Here is what I want to say. You decide if it applies to you. We have all the time in the world.

Blink.

The last two years were not easy ones for me. Some of you are more aware of this than others. The last year was less easy for some of you than others. “Less easy” is a soft way of saying it was hard. Hard may be too soft. For some of us, last year was brutal.

Blinking again.

I’m still here.

There were times that I wasn’t sure if I would be. It wasn’t that I looked all the way to December 31, 2011 and thought, “I wonder what I’ll be doing on that day.” I didn’t think about the future a whole lot at the beginning of this year. I was so deep in a rut that I didn’t even know there was a road, let alone a road leading to any where or when. I was stuck, I knew I was stuck and I was overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I DID know that I wanted to somehow get moving again.

I climbed, I reached, I was pulled, and I got a leg up. I followed the voices and laughter, the murmurs of encouragement pressed into me along with hugs at arrivals and partings of friends I’d long ignored. I moved out of the rut in a hundred different ways, but I’m out.

I think what happened was…I blinked. I stopped staring at my surroundings which had grown familiar and blurry and I looked at them in a different way. I decided to move into light, to seek help when I desperately needed it. I’m still moving toward that which feels as if it’s good for me and away from that which doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot of anything for me. If it dulls my senses or makes me sad, it’s not for me.

Blink. Blank.

There is still space on this page, still something I want to say.

For those who face challenges this year, next year, the next, and on…

Know that I’m here. I value our relationships and I appreciate the help you’ve given me along the way. Know that I will feel valued if you choose to ask me for help. If I can point you toward an expert, I will. If all you need is to unload, go for it. I’m first-rate at setting boundaries, so I’ll protect myself and won’t let anything get out of hand. It all goes back to how I got out of my rut.

The thing is, we are all so very strong and I would never deny our incredible capabilities as individuals. We are also deserving of encouragement and the occasional assist.


Happy New Year with Much Love and Affection,


Michelle

Bound for Broadway?

I got an end of the year bonus today - sort of. I was able to leave the office at noon. Bonus! I’m also off work Monday so I’m excited to have three and a half days off work. Wish I’d known about this afternoon before this morning. With advance notice I think I might have been headed to the airport instead of the grocery store. Ah well, never look a gift horse blah, blah, blah, right? I was able to cruise the aisles and stock up on some fun foods for the weekend without battling the late day crowds. I’m now ready to make black eye peas and also bought some shrimp and plenty of fresh produce. I’m all set for a healthy and yummy New Year’s weekend.

Just back from New Orleans and Las Vegas, I’m thinking about my next getaway. Last year I said I’d go to New York City and I didn’t. Why? New job, no real oomph. Those reasons are as good and as bad as any. This year I want to do it. I want to: walk, shop, dine, shoot (my camera), and see (A show. Two? Three?). No particular order to the list. I want to stay in a fantastic hotel room and share cocktails with friends and/or strangers in fairly dark venues with lovely music.

As far as entertainment goes, today I watched a documentary called “Show Business: The Road to Broadway”. It’s from 2007. It follows four new musicals from prior to their Broadway openings to the Tony Awards. The shows are: “Wicked”, “Taboo”, “Avenue Q”, and “Caroline, or Change”. The film was a good way for me to spend a little time unwinding (while working a jigsaw puzzle – guilty pleasure).

I vaguely remember the controversy around Rosie O’Donnell funding and overseeing production aspects of Boy George’s “Taboo”. Although I wouldn’t likely be interested in seeing that particular show, it made me a little sad to see the energy invested in what seemed to be a doomed endeavor from the start. I can't imagine seeing "Avenue Q". I can barely handle the Muppet ad that comes on at the movie theatres. Blech. "Caroline, or Change" seemed to be something I would have liked - in a burn through half a box of Kleenex way.

Now to what gets me going: as the documentary opened, my interest was sparked (ignited?) at the possibility of seeing and hearing Idina Menzel in the role of Elphaba. I’ve seen “Wicked” here in Houston and love, Love, LOVE the play. I wish I’d seen it on Broadway with Menzel. I recently watched “Rent” on DVD with the cast that closed the show. Same thing, wish I’d seen it with Menzel as Maureen.

That’s what this piece is about. I wish to go to New York and see the play (or plays) I want to see. I don’t want to say, “Sure wish I’d seen that in New York like I wanted instead of waiting for the touring production."

So I’m going to start researching. So far “Memphis” is topping my list. Suggestions are welcome. Whether or not I’ll heed them is another issue entirely.



©Michelle Scofield, December 30, 2011 All Rights Reserved

Pass(i)on

Spoiler alert. I’m going to write about a movie. I’m not going to get too deep into the plot but I’m going to discuss it a little so stop reading now if you don’t like that sort of thing. If you don’t like that sort of thing, you better stop reading my writing for the next year because I’m planning on weaving a whole lot of talk about cinema, theatre, visual art, photography, music, and whatever other art I can get my brain around onto these pages. Consider yourself warned and please, PLEASE, play along. Comment, write, tweet, text, participate. I’m on a mission to increase my worldscape.

As I often do, I spent yesterday evening at the movie theatre. I was expecting a light comedy. “Young Adult” with Charlize Theron turned out to be darker than I was hoping for. As the story unfolded, I found myself pulled pack to high school, to a mirror I kept in my locker, to a steamy shower room after gym class, to my own bathroom mirror, to any reflective surface I came across in the mid-1970’s. Back then I was seeking a blonde bombshell, Farrah, Christie. I found Michelle, brunette, freckled, NotBlonde. I yearned to be NotMe.

The film was uncomfortable for my fifty-one year old self. I suppose I haven’t stepped as far from my sixteen year old self as I’d like to believe.

The trailers had me believing that Theron’s character would leave the big city, go back to her hometown and reconnect with her now-famous first love. Hilarity would follow, brought on by her acerbic, slightly bitchy antics. Hilarious wouldn’t be my word for it. Pathetic is closer. Theron does pathetic like few others can. Remember “Monster”? Dial that back, put it in a fetching package and you’ve got “Young Adult”.

So, to passion. My New Year’s Resolution is to look past my own (passions) and to learn from others’. I came home from the movie and Google’d the actress. Reading about the Charlize Theron Africa Outreach Project, I’m impressed at the way this celebrity is using her notoriety to push for change. She’s always seemed very glamorous to me - red carpet, Oscar, etc, etc. Working against HIV/AIDs strikes me as the opposite of glamorous. It strikes me as work.

What it comes down to is this. I plunk down my money to be removed from reality for a couple of hours. I make the assumption that the beautiful men and women who’ve been hired to play roles in the films love what they do. Why? Because I NEED them to love it. I’m paying my hard-earned cash for them to entertain me. But if I let it play out just a little further…perhaps I’m actually part of what they need to do. Maybe my cash helps them move toward living their passion? (I can dream.) Perhaps we can all play a part in each others’ passions if we are brave enough and smart enough to step out and do what we are meant to do.

Blessings on you, Ms. Theron, for doing what you’re doing. Who knows how long you will, but I can see now that the acting is a job that you happen to do very well. The work you’re doing, that’s entirely different. There are really no words to describe it.





©Michelle Scofield, December 29, 2011 All Rights Reserved