I'm having trouble sleeping. Again. Or is it still? I'm not sure. I wake several times each night, pulling myself out of the current that's pulled me from the dayshore and attempting to stand on the shifting sand of Subconscious. My body aches in the morning, worn down and out from the effort to sink back onto an imagined and longed-for sea of Tranquility. I seem to have it all backwards. I am fighting to relax.
I've become tenacious about my tension. It defines me. I love my yoga classes. I love the power vinyasa flow classes better than the gentle hatha classes. This tells me I should probably take more hatha classes. It's more difficult for me to sit in my stillness than to keep moving. I will do better but if I don't I guess I'll need to be okay with that. I'm smiling as I write this. I'll try. I will.
I saw my doctor yesterday about my blood pressure. It's still a little higher than we'd both like it to be but it's coming down. I expressed my frustration about not being able to run very far because of this old foot injury. Every time I increase my mileage, the pain flares up. Her advice was nothing short of sage. "Don't do that."
I was so active prior to this and I am unbelievably hard on myself.
"Don't do that."
I like this doctor. I haven't opened up to a medical provider in this way for a very long time. She had some good ideas and spent time with me, getting to know me. I know how hard that can be and it's appreciated.
As I was walking out the door today I realized my keys felt a little light. I'd detached all the keycards when I went for a walk last night. I retrieved them from the dining room table and snapped the apparatus back together. Looking at the keychain I realized the letters are beginning to fade. Dad gave it to me so I could hand my carkeys to valets and not give them my housekeys. He always wanted me to be safe. Now I have a seperate key for my car, but I think I'll always keep this keychain. It reminds me of him, even though some of the memories are beginning to fade - just a little.
Lately I've been realizing just how much of my social life was tied up in my father. We were travel companions. We were very good friends - I didn't know father and daughter could be such close friends. I talked with him on the phone every Sunday morning and often one or two times additionally during the week.
I feel a strong need to move on - to let go of old attachments that may very well be holding me back. I also want to strengthen my existing attachments and add new ones. It's there for me. It's up to me to decide what to do with it.
For now:
My favorite place is Grand Cayman. I can recall the sound of the waves when I close my eyes. Tonight my bed will be a raft and I will drift away on waves remembering the greens and blues of the ocean. I will stay as long as I stay and then I will allow myself to return when I am able. For now.
