I Leap for Lizards

*Stay with me. I’ll try to make it worth your while.
Another three miles this morning gave me time to think, as usual. I chose to run in a clockwise direction. It felt like the right thing to do this morning, as if my chi needed aligning. I noticed some of the regulars along the way. There are some beautiful people who frequent Memorial Park on early Saturday mornings. It’s a feast for the eyes.

This was a rough week. I celebrated graduation with my son and daughter last weekend and came home to an empty apartment. It was absolutely anticlimactic. I did my best to remain positive but I felt my spirits flagging and I hit bottom when I received word that my friend, Deb, died early in the week. Deb’s words were in front of me over and over again, “Live life today. Don’t wait. Don’t leave your life unfinished.” I have unfinished business. I must address it. I spent the week doing so.

Electronic communication was my friend this week. I was too raw to do much face-fo-face. I didn’t have the personal bandwidth. There were emails and texts. I’ve also included simple neuro-firings. Sometimes my synapses are most helpful when they stop short of triggering my mouth. The thoughts are enough; I don’t need to voice them. You can decipher which are my thoughts, which are my words and which were life preservers thrown to me.

*Ms. Scofield, please arrange…
*WTF? Who does he think he’s talking to?
*I’d be happy to. Glad I can help.
*I’ll miss you this week. It makes me happy when you crack yourself up.
*Michelle you are my heart.
*Dinner? Dancing?
*8pm Canyon Café! Fabulous!
*We just wanted to hear your voice.
*You are a strong woman. I love that about you.

So yeah, I almost forgot. Lizards. When I went back to college, I was working in the lab as the Natural Science Departmental Scholar. That’s fancy for: Does All The Dirty Work And Gets A Break On Tuition. I was responsible for feeding the animals including the mealworms (fed them paper towels) and the legless lizard (fed him mealworms). One day I noticed the damned lizard was missing. I reported it to my supervisor who happened not only to be my Chemistry professor but also my neighbor. We figured some of the dorm kids had stolen the little beastie. I didn’t give it much more thought.

Fast forward about three weeks. I was pouring petri plates. I had about sixty of them spread along a lab bench and was pouring agar one by one. I walked to the end of the table and a movement in the doorway caught my eye. There was the lizard. He was “standing” in the doorway, watching me. “Holy shit!!!” I landed on top of the bench, scattering petri dishes and agar all over the lab. The clatter brought my chemistry prof running into the room. He got a pretty big chuckle out of finding me on top of the furniture.

What brought back this memory? As I was running this morning a lizard scurried across my path and I essentially flew about six feet as I morphed into Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Again, “Holy Shit!” I cracked myself up. It’s hard to leap, run and laugh at the same time. Sucks to be this depressed. I guess I’ll just be happy instead.

Never Enough

My friend died a little over two hours ago. This morning. It's so fresh, so new. I still have three tissues on my desk. They're what's left of the five I stole from my colleague's desk. I can't cry at work. Not cool. Not right for a Surgery Girl. I want to cry. I want to bawl like a lost lamb. I want to weep. Later.

I want to cry away the sadness but also the guilt. I feel guilty because I hadn't seen her for a couple months. I didn't go to see her at the long-term care facility she was moved to from the very hospital where I'm employed. I never found the time. I'm so wiped out from working here. Or so I say. She texted me to let me know the day she was leaving and I was up to my neck in clinic patients. I texted back a sunny (or so I thought), "Sorry! Swamped! Can't make it. Love, Love!"

I never saw her again except for her pictures. I pulled her blog up today to give myself a little stab in the heart.

This has happened before, but not to the same extent. Friends have been treated in my hospital and I've been overwhelmed with other cancer patients. I haven't been able to get by to see them. This feels so weak, and excuse-ful to me.

I'm sure I'm just wishing for another shared latte with Deb...which usually sat on the bedside table because she was too weak to drink it. I'm certain I really want nothing more than time to tell her in person that I love her. This is grief. This is the pain I go through each time one of my patients doesn't make it. This personalization is the hard part for me. When a number is attached, instead of a personal history I tend to do so much better.

Wednesday - Midweek

This thick fog is lifting. I've been surrounded for too long, sitting in gray nothing. I moved into the cloudy refuge to escape from work, from worry, from a situation that is beyond my control. It's time to step into the sun again. I see Friday and I'm looking forward to it. I want it. I want to see my children. I feel as if each step I took today swirled the thick clouds a little bit away from me. Each motion gave me an improving glimpse of the clarity that waits for me. I spent today for me. I got a massage, bought sunscreen and a new swimsuit for my trip to the Caribbean in a few weeks. I also spent a little time thinking about the festivities this weekend.

We will gather Friday to show our support to two people who have worked literally years to achieve advanced academic degrees and have done it with a humility that is unusual in the fields they have chosen. We (their family and loved ones) will hug them, smile with them, shed a tear or two. We will honor them.

I have not much to say at this time regarding their accomplishments. I've been saying it to them all along. I am very much in awe of them. I will say that one of my greatest dreams was to see my children rise to a level of education above that obtained by me. I'm so glad that they did. Pride shines, like the sun.

Dolce/Fortissimo

Pervasive,
shattering silence
steals the ozone from the room
and forces it into the cracks
in the walls with grinding measure
and beats out a dissonance
that pulls
a cry from a chest,
a sob from a heart.

No sound is heard above the
piercing, grating silence.

No words can fit in the jagged
gap it creates.

Thought has been edged out,
reason replaced.

Loud enough
to dampen the sounds
of the outside world,
the screaming silence is -

White
Noise
New
Light
Drawn
Shades
Good
Night
Day
Time
Promise
Gone
Scream
Song
Lives
Long