Wednesday Update

I didn't run today because I woke up too late. I had an appointment this morning and I wouldn't have made it on time if I'd taken time to run. The rest of the day was filled with errands and answering one page after the other.

I bought several things I need for my upcoming trips:

Two dresses that look like they came right out of the 60's. Seriously. I went in search of NOW and bought THEN. My mother would have worn them when she was a fashion-forward hottie. I found some patent leather pumps with the highest of heels that are quite Ooh-La-La!

A wig. That's right, a wig. I needed one for Halloween and I found one. Long, brown, and ridiculous. :)

I also had dinner with two friends and discussed another holiday, Thanksgiving. I guess half the gang will be traveling cross-country so we're going to have to adjust this year. Turkey's turkey, even when it's chicken. Or something like that.

So today's theme seems to be, "Things aren't always what we thought they would be."
It's ok. Today isn't yesterday and it won't be tomorrow, either. Or something like that.

Good night, sleep tight. Sleep sound. Tomorrow is another...tomorrow.

Tuesday

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 5:45 am
Run Duration: 31 minutes
Average Pace: 10.33 minutes/mile
Temperature: 75 degrees
Humidity: 83%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

I went to bed at 8pm last night. Turned off the TV and the phone and crashed. I looked at my alarm at 5 this morning and thought, "Really? Do I really want to do this?"

I went. I'm glad I did.

Have a great day, whatever it brings you.

Dark Cloud Days - Some of us have them.

I wrote this in February, 2008. Today, it still speaks very much to my feelings around my job. At the time I wrote it, I was struggling with my sense of helplessness when doing surgery on pediatric cancer patients. I've been working in Oncology on and off for thirteen years. I keep thinking I'll get better at this. Sure, my clinical skills have improved, but my skill at dealing with the stress waxes and wanes.

Right now it's waning.




Facing the Calling


So where
is my soul?
I have to wonder.
Where does it go?

In some crater deep,
so dark and lost
I can't seem to keep
a bit of me safe these days.

"Here, I'll hold your Bear
while you stay
right there."

She drifts off to terrored sleep
and we deliver the beastie.

But whose dreams do we keep?

We mark her as ours.

When she wakes
she will remember
and nothing will make
her normal.
M. Scofield 2/25/08

Woman's Desire for Fresh Air Defeats Excuses - Story at 9:30

Distance: 2 miles
Start time: 8:30 am
Run Duration: 21 minutes
Average Pace: 10.5 minutes/mile
Temperature: 75 degrees
Humidity: 90%
Location: Hermann Park, Houston, TX

Headache, sore toe, not enough sleep, plans to meet for breakfast at 11am. None of these things individually seemed enough. I considered them as a group. No, not enough. I did, however, decide to go for 2 miles - not 3.

I'm good with that. I feel better after getting outside and sweating a little. My head still hurts, my toe is still sore and I'm sure I'll be craving a nap at 3pm, but I feel better for having given myself the gift of exercise. I'm committed to this, darn it!

Today I lift up my gratitude for the ability to feel, to believe, and to commit - and for the opportunities put before me that stir me to action.

Because I Said I Would

Here you go, Stacey. This is the little piece I told you about. Just a nosh.

Tea Time

Standing on line at the corner shop,
waiting for a cuppa,
and thinking about toffee bars,
I go back to Granny’s house.

Clink, clink.
Sugar squares fall through time
and land on China patterns.

Tea roses.
Moss roses.
Dusty roses.
Wedding roses.

I slip around the grand furniture,
as she naps
-or pretends to nap.
Shhh!

Clack, clack.
She lets me wear her shoes,
and her hat, and her own Granny’s mink stole.
I am a lady.

We eat cookies and call them biscuits.

I keep my white gloves at her house,
in the bottom drawer of the big chest
she calls a bureau.
I keep them with the pin she calls a cameo
and a Sucrets tin with nine pennies,
a nickel,
and a red button.

Saturday Morning

Distance: 6 miles
Start time: 8:00 am
Run Duration: 70 minutes (Walked 2, ran 1, walked .5, ran 2.5 more)
Average Pace: 11.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 73 degrees
Humidity: 91%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

I met my friend (we work together, but we're much more than that) Stacey at Memorial this morning. She brought Kylie in the stroller and we did the first loop together then I took off by myself when they exited the trail for the playground.

I was happy when she pinged me last night and asked if we could meet for some exercise this morning. I'd been planning to get a run in but having someone to talk to was welcome today. It would have been tempting to sleep in today and accountability to someone other than myself made me set my alarm and put on those running shoes.

It was a nice morning and it looks to be a nice day in Houston. Not sure how I'll spend the rest of the day. I'll find something to keep me busy. For now, I'm enjoying a cup of coffee and a smoothie. I needed to use up the produce in my fridge: Yogurt, a splash of orange juice, ripe avocado, a few baby spinach leaves, fresh blueberries and pineapple chunks. Yum! Have a great weekend, Readers!

Oh, Harry!

I was able to leave the office a little early today and I'm hanging out at my apartment. A little laundry, a little web-surfing, a little TV. Oprah Winfrey has a few celebrity guests on today. I perked up when Harry Connick, Jr. came on. I love that guy. In May he was given an honorary degree from Tulane University in New Orleans. I was at my son's graduation from Tulane Law for the Commencement Ceremony. Of course my son was the best looking guy in the arena, but Harry came in a close second.

Today he told Oprah what he considers the secret to the success of his marriage. "I realize that finding somebody that you can be with forever doesn't happen for everybody and I'm not gonna screw it up."

Is it that easy? Oh, Harry.

It's So Coooool!

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 6:05 am
Run Duration: 30 minutes (actually a little under, but who's counting?)
Pace: 10.00 minutes/mile
Temperature: 67 degrees
Humidity: 77%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

Beautiful morning for a run. It was sprinkling just a tiny bit when I got to my car but no rain at all at the park. I felt more like running this morning than I have in a long time. Last night I heard a bit of good news that really lifted my spirits. One of my friends has a great career opportunity, and while I'll miss her like crazy I'm so proud of her and I'm very excited for the doors that are opening for her.

Some days just turn out like that. Happy.

Cool!

Shopping List "D"

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 9:07 am
Run Duration: 32 minutes
Pace: 10.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 68 degrees
Humidity: 85%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

I had a lot to think about this morning. I kind of got hit with it suddenly, so I decided to try to keep my mind busy with other things while I ran. I decided to create a list of things I'd buy if I had freedom to shop with all the time in the world, all the money in the world and latitude to bring whatever I wanted home.

For some reason I decided to have them start with the letter "D".

1. Diamonds. I've never been a huge diamond fan, but after watching the Emmy's on TV last weekend (flipping back and forth from the Cowboy's game) I found a few pair of earrings I'd like to have. They're attention-getter's for sure.

2. Donuts. I haven't had a donut since Hurricane Ike, when the Daylight Donut was one of the only places open after the storm. A donut sounds good this morning.

3. Dior. I've been spending time reading fashion magazines again. "W", "Glamour", and "Vogue". There are some beautiful Dior blouses for fall. Yummy.

4. Denzel Washington or Daniel Craig. Either will do.

5. A Divorced man who's had his Decree for at least 365 Days. Or a widower who lost his wife at least a Decade ago and he's Done grieving. Yes, Darlings...there's trouble in paradise...again...still. Update to follow.

Small Victories

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 5:45 am
Run Duration: 32 minutes
Pace: 10.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 77 degrees
Humidity: 92%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

We all need to win once in awhile.

1. I beat the rain this morning.

2. My lunch is packed. (I'll eat some time between breakfast and dinner.)

3. I slept beautifully last night.

4. Tom DeLay looked as ridiculous as I thought he would on "Dancing With the Stars".

After the Crash

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 9:45 am
Run Duration: 35 minutes
Pace: 11.67 minutes/mile
Temperature: 80 degrees
Humidity: 90%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

So I mostly ran, but I walked a little - as per special request.

I admit that I was a little fearful, even knowing that my cardiac tests are normal. Thoughts of Jim Fixx entered my mind as I set foot on the gravel path. (Completely illogical. Fixx certainly would have had positive tests if he'd gone through them and was a big-bad smoker before he became a running junkie.) Anyway, for just a few seconds I thought, "Wouldn't it be ironic if I crumped right here, the day after given the all clear." I had to put it aside and get on with it or I don't think I ever would have run again.

My dad, daughter and I were in Las Vegas a few years ago and witnessed a terrible scene. A drunk driver plowed through an intersection and took out 8 pedestrians. One. After. The. Other. It was horrific. My daughter and I provided triage and first aid to the best of our abilities. We left the scene after Fire and Rescue arrived and took the injured off our bloodied hands. Upon returning to Kansas I found that I was having trouble crossing streets and I certainly couldn't run without several forms of identification on me. I kept one in each pocket and one tied to my shoelace. I carried my cell phone with me when I ran.

I have the capacity to be hindered by my neuroreceptors. I express obsessive compulsiveness in that manner, obsessive thought. Sure, I have my little rituals: I count backwards from 100 when I run, knowing that I don't dare include zero in my litany. (I might die!) I must hit the PortAJohn directly before a race, even if I emptied my bladder only 10 minutes previously. Otherwise, I'll be thinking about it during the race and that's just not a good thing. I've tried it, it doesn't work for me. I also check locks, but only twice.

So as far as not being able to run, I was pretty sure that I had to run today or I wouldn't run again for a very long time.

I didn't feel any chest pain, but I had the same fatigue I've felt for months. I also realized that I clear my throat and cough quite a bit. I've been doing these things for a couple years and I thought it had to do with seasonal allergies, and I've been a little embarrassed at how noisy I am when I run. I guess it makes sense now. I'll get in to my doc and get spirometry and pulmonary function tests if he thinks it's indicated. I've had to use inhalers previously.

It's funny how we really can't see the forest for the trees sometimes. I couldn't even recognize my own symptoms. Not only that, but I chose to ignore them, to instead bury my head in denial. Not good, not good at all.

Lessons learned. Gratitude felt.

Heartfelt

Sometimes your day just doesn't go as planned. You get up, go to work with intentions of getting the job done, maybe having a little dinner, doing a little laundry. You're looking forward to a run on Saturday morning, and then...wham! I got whammed yesterday.

It was the kind of wham that happens when the wind has been playing with a door, pulling it back and forth on a breeze - toying with it until it slams it shut, forcing you to pay attention to the shatter of glass as a picture falls off a wall with the force of the blow.

I've been experiencing tiny jabs of chest pain when I run for the last two months. No shortness of breath. Thursday I had pain all day long and continued to work through two surgeries and on through a meeting at 5pm. I told a couple colleagues about it, chewed a couple aspirin and the pain went away. I thought everything was ok, except I was still ignoring the pain when I ran. Yesterday things got worse and I ended up leaving my clinic and checking myself into the emergency room. An overnight admission for observation, a sleepless night and multiple tests later show that I have a perfectly strong heart.

I've experienced the headache that comes from nitroglycerin. I know what it feels like to need to go to the bathroom and not to be able to reach the call light. I've heard a patient in the next stretcher bay suffer from what I knew must certainly be a pulmonary embolism - and I couldn't do a damned thing because I was only a patient, not a provider.

Now the good parts: A colleague dropped everything and got me checked into the ER. When I called a friend and told her where I was, she was at my bedside in 2 minutes. Literally 2 minutes. That's a bonus of being admitted to a hospital where I used to work. My children were quick to allow me to assure them by phone that I was OK and that they shouldn't disrupt their lives for the unknown. Shaking them up would cause me strife and they trusted me to give them the straight skinny on my condition. I appreciate that immensely. My personal physician rounded on me not once, but twice in 24 hours. He knows me and he knows my history. I felt safe in his care. When I called my sweetheart, he got in his car and he arrived at the hospital ASAP/STAT/really-really-fast. He made sure I had what I needed: pillows, blankets, a real salad instead of hospital food and Kleenex when I started to cry because toilet paper apparently isn't good enough for wiping the tears from my eyes.

I was frightened, but I tried to keep it together. I knew that anxiety would only make matters worse. The problem isn't my heart. It's most likely exercise induced asthma and it will be worked up as an outpatient. I couldn't imagine not being able to run. I've been cleared to exercise. Thank goodness and thank God.

After I was given the second dose of nitro (and the second whopping headache) last night, and as I lay facing the wall, trying not to cry - again - I heard these words, softly:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

I have been on my own for a long time. It didn't come easy to turn this over, to allow myself to be cared for, but it wasn't as difficult this time as it might have been 2 years ago. My heart is finally open to feeling - everything.

ReRoute/ChangeUp/Detour. Pick Your Phrase.

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 8:03 am
Run Duration: 31 minutes
Pace: 10.33 minutes/mile
Temperature: 75 degrees
Humidity: 82%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

It's been 9 days since my last run. I'm almost embarrassed to report this to you. It is what it is. Rain, laziness, crappy mood, these are my reasons. These are my excuses. Anyway, I'm back at it as of this morning. I didn't set my alarm because I didn't see any need. I knew the temperature wouldn't soar into the near-100's today.

As soon as I made the turn toward the Galleria, I saw the brake lights of a major traffic jam. Not good. I slowed to a creep and edged to the exit before I got stuck in the glue that was the 59/610 interchange. Thinking I'd make my way around on Kirby toward Memorial wasn't much better during Houston rush hour. I settled into the StopGoStopSomeMore and listened to NPR.

By the time I finally pulled into my parking space at the park, I was tired of the radio and decided I'd listen to my own breathing and footfalls while I ran. It was a good choice. I needed the time to think about a presentation I'm giving this afternoon. I need to go into work for a little while (it's my day off) and polish it a bit. Having music or talk in my ears this morning would have been distracting. I needed to spend time with myself. I was pretty disgusted at having downloaded my PowerPoint improperly. It's an easy fix and I've got a couple things to add to the talk that will make it all that much better. I wouldn't have believed it last night. Last night I thought I'd run into a brick wall and crashed with the project. I didn't see a way to salvage the wreck and I was considering talking without benefit of slides, old school.

No doubt I'll have to take more detours this week, next month and so on, and so on...

I better bookmark this page.

Kick It!

Crosstraining.

Have I lost all sense of what's important? I've been concentrating on running and haven't reached to other modes of exercise (other than the stairs when I have that option) for so long.

I'm teaching a mini-class this week and this morning I got my cardio-kickboxing self in gear. My students don't need an uncoordinated, confused teacher who hasn't shouted out "right cross, left hook" for awhile.

Much better. Great workout.

If All Else Fails...

...get a haircut. The weather is awful for running, although I think I'll put on my old shoes tomorrow and jump puddles.

I'm in a sad, sad mood. I tried to go shopping but all I bought was coffee. That's hilarious to me. I looked at plenty of dresses but nothing was tempting.

I sat in a sports bar and ate a burger and watched a soccer game. Crap.

I'm going to take in a movie tonight. I heard District 9 is good. At least it's not a love story.

I have tickets to see "Grease" tomorrow. That should be uplifting and silly and just what the doctor ordered. And I have a haircut that's quite sassy. My stylist told my he loves my "highlights" (read "gray") and he's glad I've quit coloring it. That's another positive for the day.

If all else fails, Sister...get a great haircut!

Feature

Not a good night for sleep. Obviously. I'm posting this at 3:20 in the morning. I tried to get to sleep, I really did. My upstairs neighbors threw a party tonight, the darlings. 2am and they really started to get wound up. I'm not anti-party, I've been known to throw a few myself, but c'mon! This is an apartment complex, after all. Anyway, I've been toying with this piece, so here it is. I've been cleaning it up for a little while and now I'll try to get back to sleep and be up early enough to run before the heat gets the best of Saturday.


Feature

Scene rolls over rolling wheat around a silo
down typical small town Main,
past the bank and the grocer
before following the U-haul
slowly,
slowly,
winding through quiet streets.
Fix on brake lights.
Short pause in front of a bolted storefront
-then
finding speed and exiting to the South.

Hour upon hour of silence.
she reels in the new setting.

Character Development:
PersonalityNatureChoiceAccidentReputation.
Sketch.
Dare to catch one.

Dialogue starts with unscripted whispers.
Mumbles, moans.
As notes swing through,
and mix with thoughts to words to music
to (at times) the sweetest aria,
best comfort is sought - still -
in waiting for some unknown cue.

M. Scofield 9/12/2009

3 Short Runs in 3 Days

3 runs over last 3 days (9/5/09-9/7/09)

Distance: 2 miles X 3
Start time: around 7 am each day
Run Duration: about 20 minutes
Pace: Felt like 10 minute miles
Temperature: 60 degrees
Humidity: 75%
Location: Roseville, CA

I spent the Labor Day weekend in the Sacramento area with my dad. It was restful and I was especially happy that I took my running shoes. It felt wonderful to get out every morning in the cool air and enjoy a run without having to be anywhere at any particular time. I ran in Dad's neighborhood. He lives near a golf course and it's very quiet and peaceful. There weren't any stray dogs, hardly any traffic.

Saturday morning was the best. I love spending time with Dad, but he was playing golf with friends and I had the place to myself. I finished my run and spent an hour on his patio doing nothing but enjoying the morning with my coffee and the latest fashion magazine. That's like a slice of heaven to me. I had time to shower when I wanted. I then watched a movie...in his recliner. I napped. What a great morning, what a great day. Later that afternoon his friends and their wives showed up and we enjoyed a shrimp boil.

Sunday morning found me enjoying the crisp air again, then we met up with friends for brunch and headed to the state fair to watch the horse races. I wrapped it up this morning with yet another run.

I'm home now and I feel like I was hit with reality all too soon, almost from the moment I stepped off the plane. I'm glad I have several vacations planned the next few months. I intend to make the best of them.

Wednesday Soundtrack

Distance: 3.8 miles
Start time: 8:45 am
Run Duration: Don't know, left my watch on the vanity.
Pace: Felt good, never walked. :)
Temperature: 72 degrees
Humidity: 65%
Location: Hermann Park, Houston, TX

I slept in this morning. I mean I really slept in, until after 8:00. I don't work on Wednesday's, so that's not the problem. There really isn't a problem, but I wanted to take advantage of predictions of temperatures in the 60's and be at the park much earlier. I couldn't get to sleep last night and I stayed up late watching "Sex In The City", feeling quite lonely and morose. No wonder I slept so late. What a silly, girly thing to do.

By the time I hit the trail, NPR was almost done with news so I decided to shuffle my playlist on my MP3 player. What shuffle? It was mostly jazz and soul. I left it to run - as I ran. I remember the songs listed below. I know there were more.

Los Lonely Boys - "Heaven"
Suzi Stern - "My Man's Gone Now"
kd lang - "Fallen"
Staple Singers - "Let's Do It Again"
War - "Low Rider"
Charlotte Church - "The Water Is Wide"

Suzi's version of "My Man's Gone Now", from her "Lament" CD is amazing. She is such an artist and she paints images for me with her voice. This was the most difficult and special song for me to hear this morning. Many personal, close memories wrapped up in that one.

I need to get through this blue period. It's not sad, not deep blue, it's more like a gemstone in my Grandmother's jewelry box. It's rich and shimmers if I let it into the light. It's the color of my right-now-favorite dress. It's the color of the waters off Grand Cayman. It's that perfect teal that sits on the horizon and waits to be caught by our cameras, to be remembered forever, but it's not a place where we can linger for long because if we do we'll miss the rest of what's going on around us.

I run the trail to help me walk through my melancholic days. Memories flooded through me as I ran today. I am grateful for the ability to remember and all the events that came back to me today as I felt my feet connect with the earth. Today I lift up my connections and say, "Thank you, Father."

Melancholy

Lest anyone wonder if I'm still stretching my creative muscles. I am. I'm also using writing to work through some of the emotions I feel, to diffuse some of the stress I'm dealing with. Work was very difficult today. I'm also dealing with loneliness. It's true, it's true. I'll admit it. This too - as they say - will pass. I've just got to do the right thing, keep my faith and continue on my path toward being the best Michelle I can be.



Melancholy

My sister, Melancholy, tapped me on the shoulder today.
She broke apart the sweet length of ardor
I’d wound around me
and with one touch,
one slight press of she to me,
I felt my cloak of passion slip away.

Not chilled or shivered but absent fire,
lacking reason or desire,
I settled in to settle in.

She watches me from across the room.
Aware that her time with me is limited,
I see her eye me with disomic discord,
yet…
I am unable to show her the door.
Yet.
Michelle Scofield, September 1, 2009