Lighten Up!

I'm cleaning today, cleaning this apartment - room by room. I'm rearranging furniture, which means that I'm moving furniture from one room to another. The easiest way I've found to accomplish that task is to move it end over end. It's like rolling a rock, only the rock is a dresser or a chair. It sounds a little awkward, but it's really much easier my way than to drag/pull/push/grunt/strain. I don't have any help, after all. I moved a dresser into my bedroom because I rarely have company stay in my guest room and those empty dresser drawers weren't being put to any use. I got the job done - my way.

I have four bags of clothing to donate to Goodwill and I've pitched several loads of magazines and other worthless stuff that was collecting dust. I'm preparing for my lease expiration in January. I still don't know where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere.

I think I'll rest better in my room with my bed at this new angle. I don't know if it will be a feng shui thing or if I'll just be exhausted from all the physical labor today.

While cleaning I came across my scanner and also several boxes of photos. Of course I welcomed the chance to sit for awhile while I loaded the scanner software onto this laptop and played around with scanning some pictures. I came across this old pic of me when I was about nineteen years old. Yup, this is Michelle thirty years ago. What cracks me up is the hair. There's so MUCH of it. I took myself so seriously back then. I was so sunbleached, too. Not good. Anyway, this picture gave me a little laugh and I needed that today.

Perseverance

Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second. ~ William James

I'm taking a little break from cleaning closets to watch "Meet The Press". The panel is discussing the life of Senator Edward Kennedy and the theme that rings constant among notes about his dedication to his family, constituency, and his country is the theme of perseverance. The late legislator lived a life of tragedy and recovery, even of incredible public embarrassment and yet he continued on with the work he felt was important, the work he felt he was born to do. He persevered.

I met with friends for our "Second Saturday" last night. No, it wasn't the second Saturday of the month but it was long overdue and we were (most of us) available, so we gathered for a meal and a discussion around the table. The purpose of the meals is to cook together with friends and to try to focus the conversations on current topics of politics, ethics, etc. We enjoyed a Cajun meal of crab cakes, muffalletas and jambalaya and settled into the topics of the day. We soon came around to the death of Kennedy. The common thread that we kept coming back to was how disturbing it is to see the media and some of our acquaintances, even some of our friends bashing the man for the death of Mary Jo Kopechne in 1969. We each, to a person, stated that it was a terrible thing, horrible. Then we started talking about our own mistakes. We've all made them, some of them devastating. The thing is we've been able to continue on with our lives, as did Kennedy - with the exception of the vilifying he received by his political enemies. He persevered.

Where would so many of the people Kennedy helped be if he had given up? What would the political climate of our country be if he had laid down, if he hadn't pushed for his second wind?

In the face of adversity, whatever it may be, I need to think of really extending myself. I have much more reserve than I realize. The Kennedy brothers weren't superhuman. They were oh-so-human. They proved it time and again. They simply pushed through and past adversity. They looked at their goals and persevered.

Today I lift up my gratitude for the role models in my life. I realize that the trait I admire most in them is their strength and their belief in their ability to get through the most difficult of situations. I feel thankful to have their examples in my life.

Remember. Rise.

Distance: 3.8 miles
Start time: 8:07 am
Run Duration: 43 minutes
Pace: 11.3 minutes/mile
Temperature: 75 degrees
Humidity: 81%
Location: Hermann Park, Houston, TX

I'm still tired and I'm determined to break through this fatigue. I'm giving a presentation about health care providers and fatigue in a couple weeks. In doing the research I was interested to find that there haven't been many published works on the subject but there is emerging data on a syndrome called "Compassion Fatigue". This occurs when those of us who treat cancer become withdrawn and cynical over time in response to the continual witnessing of our patients' suffering. It's not yet an official diagnosis, but can lead to depression and anxiety. Well...duh. I know I've been there (off and on) for a couple years. I think certain life events have pushed me to a point of knowing that something has to change. I'm not sure what must change, though. I'm not sure if I need to get out of Oncology, achieve a change of scenery, or look at my support system - just what is it, exactly? I'm working on my energy requirements and expenditures honestly for the first time in my life. That's something. I feel a stirring, an awakening. This I know.

Today marks the fourth anniversary of the day that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans. I continue to be in awe of the spirit of those who believe in their city and I feel it is important to keep New Orleans lifted up and in the front of our awareness. There is still much work to be done on so many levels. I feel hope for not only New Orleans' future but for the future of our country when I know it's in the hands of people like Chris and Adrienne who chose to remain in New Orleans when they could be somewhere else. I feel hope for our future when I talk with Paige and Josh, knowing they aren't taking the easy way. They're working to make this world better by living in Portland, training and working long hours in jobs that help people who might otherwise fall through the cracks.

On my way to Hermann Park today I saw the tree in the photo I've posted. I think it has something to tell us about survival. I'm trying very hard to be like that tree right now.

That's So Much Better, Isn't It?

Save as.
Click.
Save.
Click.
Where did I put that freaking thumbdrive?

I was determined to finish. You may remember that I needed a push to become more motivated about attending to my goals for this academic year. Today I chugged full steam ahead and it feels fantastic.

My article is complete and the query for publication has been made.

Inhale. Exhale. Send.

My presentation is polished, PowerPointed and a tentative date has been scheduled.

What was so hard about that? Only everything and nothing.

Life Coaches

Distance: 4 miles
Start time: 5:00 am
Run Duration: 44 minutes
Pace: 11 minutes/mile
Temperature: 81 degrees
Humidity: 78%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

"Pay Attention". I keep those words in a frame in my apartment. I keep those words on the inside cover of the scut notebook that rides in my left lab coat pocket at work. I try to keep those words in front of me as I start each day. This being said, just because something is noted momentarily, it doesn't necessarily deserve prolonged attention. Discernment on that issue is the key, isn't it? Otherwise I'd be much like the raccoons that hang out in the garbage bin at my apartment complex - infinitely fascinated with a near-empty tin that once held pork and beans.

I've had many opportunities to pay attention lately. Two stand out for me this morning. I know a married couple, ToddAndVali. That's what we call them, because they're such a...Pair. Anyway, at Happy Hour last week, Todd asked me if I am training with a running group. I pretty much shrugged him off, offering excuses about time, inconvenience, me being a loner, yada, yada, yada. I will tell you that this job of curing cancer is really not conducive to an organized training schedule. We work long hours and surgery waits for no one. There's no way I can afford to be late for work. So after his eyes glazed over (Todd does that when he's bored), he looked at me and said, "You really ought to be changing up your mileage, you know. A group would help. But you'll do what you want to do." Then he turned back to his beer.

Next opportunity to pay attention: I've booked yet another vacation. I'm going to get out of this town if it kills me - and it might. That, or I'll go broke trying. I let some of my friends know and a few questioned why I'm traveling so much. I told them I just need to be "there, not here." Scott Newsom (of ScottAndTeri) said, "Comes a time in every relationship where disillusionment sets in. That's the opportunity for deepening knocking on the door." Scott's a psychologist. We have a social relationship, not a professional one. What he said could be applied to so many aspects of my life. I'm going to pay close attention to him. He is wise, Austin-weird, but wise.

Today I recognize the wealth of knowledge that surrounds me and I am grateful that my friends are willing to coach me in their own way. I am blessed.

I'll Tell You What I Believe

I ran Friday morning and spent this weekend recharging with friends. I considered (briefly) a run Saturday, but gave in to the need for sleep instead. Not running for two days is fine. I know this.

Friday night brought Happy Hour at The Harp. I drank a little too much and laughed my silly ass off. I think we've got one more for our cruise in October so talking with him about the trip made me even more happy. Planning travel always makes me happy. I listened to my friends tell hilarious stories, I felt calm and loved and most of all, at peace.

I bought a new dress Saturday morning. It's all ruffles and beads and quite girly. I'm looking forward to finding an opportunity to wear it. Saturday night brought dinner and dancing with Janet and Laurel. They're two of my best friends. We can get out on the dance floor, just us girls and not worry about having to dance with guys if we don't want to. I didn't want to. I'm not there yet.

Today I drove over to China Town for dim sum with the gang. We enjoyed a tasty lunch, then walked around Hong Kong City Mall and marveled at all the delicacies. I passed on purchasing my groceries there, opting instead to stop at Central Market on the way home for organic berries and yogurt. Gotta get back on the healthy bandwagon I've been riding so successfully. I'm enjoying it, after all.

My weekend hasn't been all roses. I received word that a former colleague was murdered. I was saddened, but honestly not as shocked as I could have been. My heart has been hardened by the darkness that occurs in the world and this is just one more of those events. I feel sympathy for his family and I know that his patients are certainly reeling at the news. He was a gifted Physician and he performed much service for his community.

My phone rang this afternoon and I had a potentially difficult conversation which turned out better than I expected. Looking back on this weekend, I wondered if I'd written anything that could apply to where I am, my frame of mind. I remembered that I'd started something for NPR's "This I Believe". I found it in my archives. I haven't finished it. I've barely started. I think it's fine, just fine, considering my actions lately and in the setting of hearing that someone I know has been struck down so violently - so suddenly.

This is what I wrote:

"I believe in being honest with myself."

That' all I've done so far. I think it's enough for now.

Adjust

Distance: 3 miles
Start time: 5:10 am
Run Duration: 30 minutes
Pace: 10 minutes/mile
Temperature: 80 degrees
Humidity: 84%
Location: Memorial Park, Houston, TX

Planning gets me in trouble. Rather, my expectations and subsequent disappointment have been known to send me into tailspin. Let's be honest if we're being honest. This has been the heart of my gutwork over the last few years. I've had to learn to cede my need for control that grew out of years of chaos. OK, more honesty. I haven't learned it completely. I am a perpetual student.

My alarm NPR'd me at 4:19 this morning. I considered staying in bed, but thought better of it. I'm determined to see this thing through. The nice thing about the freeway at this early hour is the lack of traffic. I pulled off 610 at Woodway/Memorial and noticed that Woodway was closed. Too bad for them. Too bad for me. Memorial was closed also. I figured it out. You say this is no big deal? Realize that I'm the one who is repeatedly given maps for birthday gifts. I got there. I ran. Three years ago I would have returned home and abandoned the run. I most likely would have purchased a breakfast burrito or some other insane heart-clogger, like donuts on the way home, too.

Have a great day. Whatever adjustments you make.