The "Donate" section of my closet continues to grow with clothes, some of which I really loved. I'm that woman at the movies/restaurant/party who was always falling on the side of dressed up rather than dressed down. It makes me a little sad to see some of those clothes go, considering the places I've taken them. For me, it wasn't a vacation without a couple of cocktail dresses and the accessories to go with them. Looking at that rack in my closet reminds me of Cancun, Las Vegas, New York City, Atlanta, and San Diego.
These days I'm not properly packed for a trip unless I also include my running clothes, shoes, and ponytail elastics.
I'm back to wearing the size Medium scrubs I wore 9 years ago. They're in good shape and they have my name and credentials embroidered on the shirts. Scrubs are silly-expensive if you want to get some that feel good and also won't start to look worn with a few washings. I'm not ready to fork over the money for new sets just now. I'm glad I kept the old ones. They'll have to do for awhile. I tried making some of my size Large pants work by pairing them with a t-shirt but I realized that wearing pants that are too big (even with a drawstring) feels physically uncomfortable.
As I think about my old clothes, a bit of anxiety rises in me and I become hesitant to give them up. I realize that I'm still holding onto the way I've seen myself for the last few years. It's not as easy as I might hope - to embrace this new body - but I'm trying. Rather, I'm trying to be accepting of my evolving self.
My former self was insulated, protected, shielded. My former self put a lot of effort into the shoes, the hair, the makeup and the jewelry. My former self was attempting to cover the foundation of me, piling on adornments. The clothes were a distraction. I could stop someone from seeing the real me by putting something shiny in front of them - a designer gown I'd found at a vintage shop or an interesting necklace. At one time I wore my hair super short. If anything, it was a conversation piece and if they were talking about my hair, maybe people weren't looking at my face or my body.
I didn't really LIKE the way I looked but I could ACT like I did. My pseudo-confidence was astounding and only a few people knew just how lacking in confidence I really was. Am.
Don't get me wrong. I'm going to continue to dress up. I love it. What I'm loving more, though, is that I don't think twice about running out to the grocery store in a t-shirt and shorts, not a lick of makeup on my face. At work I pull my hair back and I wear shoes that don't hurt my feet. Heck, those scrubs I'm wearing now? Battleship gray. The only reason I have them is because they were purchased for me. I would NEVER choose that color for myself but they serve a purpose. I'm not hiding behind them. I'm wearing them. I think there is a difference.
©Michelle Scofield, August 4, 2012 All Rights Reserved
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